My World – Imploded

The way things happen, the way they occur, don’t always make sense. You can be well on your way to recovery, when out of the blue – a bomb drops. That’s what is going on in my world right now.

Out of the sky dropped some sort of device that has left my family shattered with a health crisis like no other. Wakeful nights filled with heartache and worry lead to days filled with anger and frustration. Doctors shake their heads at conflicting lab results and do not have any answers, while a sweet and gentle boy becomes a terribly disregulated, violent kid.

If ever there was a time I needed support, it’s now…and it’s not here. Instead, advice on how to be a better mother is all I hear. No listening ears. No firm, reassuring hugs. No offer to do an evening shift so I can get some sleep. Just criticism on how I don’t do it right. I am left alone to deal with a crisis the best I can while still trying to be a sane and rational wife and mother to my youngest. My world imploded when my youngest came to me, head lowered and tears brimming, to ask me why no one is helping his brother. People are supposed to help him, not make him worse, he tells me. How do you explain people’s lack of support and caring to a 5 year old?

Children do not deserve to be raised in a world like ours. My oldest does not deserve to have to live in a body that does not do what it should and does nothing but fight itself, destroying it as it goes. My youngest does not deserve to watch his brother deteriorate before his eyes, ever fearful of what is going to happen to him next and never knowing when that big brother is going to turn that pain into anger on him. He doesn’t deserve to see shattered parents that have nothing but themselves to lean on. There is too much pain in our lives. I don’t wish this life on anyone. There are hoards of people in the world that deserve punishment, but not like this. No one deserves this. As much as I want to violently shake some sense into people and open their eyes to what is really happening to our children, I do not wish vaccine injury induced Autism on them.

So while I take some time off, and focus more on the health of my dear sweet boy, I want you all to keep up the fight. I NEED you to keep up the fight. I can’t do it for myself right now so I’m begging. Please do it for all of us. I need this time to heal and to remove the rubble that has buried us so deep.


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28 Responses to My World – Imploded

  1. Cupcake says:

    Thanks for your support everyone. We’ve recently fired all our doctors (pediatrician, homeopath, DAN! Dr., no one was safe) and currently started up with a local Naturopath that has no Autism experience at all. She doesn’t have any protocols, no specific research she’s working on…just a desire to help my son. She’s found things in his labs that no other doctor in the past ever mentioned or addressed. Not even our very well known, high profile DAN! Dr. :/ So, I’m hoping she can help heal our son. I will try to keep you posted on how things go. I am experiencing first time jitters just like I felt the time we made an appointment with our first DAN! Dr. at the Pfeiffer Treatment Center (for all you Chicagoans that remember PTC…) 7 years ago. This is a new journey for us in some ways and I definitely feel it in my heart and soul. This is going to work. It has to. Thanks again for all the kind words. Anytime you’re in the Wisconsin Dells area, feel free to ring me. I’d like to take you all up on those hugs. XOXOXO

  2. Thinkingmominthedesert says:

    Here is one of my fave songs. I think the lyrics fit ur situation right now. A situation we autism warriors know all too well. Music always helps me…ESP singing on the top of my lungs while driving in the car alone:)

  3. Jaci VW says:

    My heart breaks for your family’s pain. You are already a great mom who is fighting her butt off for her kids. Hugs upon hugs to you.

  4. Your family, my family and the thousands of others that need answers, and access to real help are the reason we have created the project Evidence and Artifacts: Facing Autism. Our hearts are with you as you face today and please know, you are not alone and we will not be silenced.

  5. Moneytmr says:

    Much love to you, Cupcake <3

  6. Erin Acevedo says:

    Taximom- thanks for the tip on avoiding fluoride at the dentist office and being aware of poisons and chemicals in our kids diet, personal care products, environment, etc.

    Cupcake, your story is so familiar. My life is similar. I feel like I’m running a marathon and getting exhausted. When things get really bad “I let go and let God” and surrender to my higher power. Thanks for being my rescue angel. (((hugs))). Much Love

  7. Carmen says:

    Take care of yourself… It’s a hard place to be when ‘it’s not going as planned/hoped’. So be kind to yourself as you are an INCREDIBLE person, remember you do THE BEST YOU CAN under the pressure of this war, remind yourself of this fact often, and you will fill up your empty emotional/physical “gas tank” again. It’s OK to do it differently or do it at a pace that keeps you and your family intact. Blessings to you all…

  8. Blaze says:

    I LOVE YOU CUPCAKE! And so do all the Thinking Moms in the World. Keep on doing what you can. XOXOXOXOOX

  9. Melissa Vega says:

    ((((hugs)))) We are all in this together… sending love, support and prayers to you and your family!

  10. B.K. says:

    I have been thinking of you so much over the last 2 days, Cupcake. I am lifting you up in my prayers. I wish I had something amazing to say that would. Just know that you are so deeply loved by your TMR family, and that you are not alone, even if it feels like that. You are an awesome mom. Keep fighting. xo

  11. melissa says:

    Like the others, HUGS and PRAYERS!! Feeling alone sucks. Being alone sucks. We have grandparents close by who see their neuro-typical grandson almost every day…they haven’t seen b since easter. no respite, no understanding…it really does suck. You are a tremendous warrior mom! Prayers that you quickly get back on your path to recovery, and find some time to rest now.

  12. I’m so very sorry cupcake:( You are so right no family should go through this. My daughter became so violent when she hit puberty I thought she was going to kill me and I was going to kill her. I found out she was off the charts in copper, magnesium, and very high in manganeQse. When we started addressing her low glutathione levels she was a different kid. I have since added Kangen water and COQ10 to address her chronic fatigue and thankfully we have made progress:) She is now 16. I also believe many of our children have sugar levels that go up and down. I recently came across Julie Priola’s story and work. Here is the link

    Also this gentleman’s work could also help you. I found him recently and have been very impressed with his work and the testimonials of his parents.

    God did not make junk. We are the ones doing this. I know God will heal your beautiful son:)

    Sending lots of hugs………

  13. Mom says:

    So sorry. I know it sucks. My life is the same way. Struggles and no help. At some point there is bound to be light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to hold on.

  14. Taximom5 says:

    First of all:


    Second, I wanted to share out recent experience, just in case it might be of any help to you.

    We just got bombed on, too. We had thought we’d won the battle against autism-and-all-the-autoimmune-crap-that-goes-with-it.

    And then our son experienced massive belly pain, diarrhea, passing out, severe facial pain, dizziness, MAJOR brain fog, exhaustion, dis-coordination, tingling hands and feet….

    Nobody knew what it was. Gluten reaction? He’d never had one so severe. Sinus infection? He didn’t seem to have cold symptoms, or a fever, or any other sign of infection. Antibiotics did nothing.

    We realized that his symptoms began within a couple of days of a dental appointment–where he’d been given a brand new kind of fluoride treatment. They told me about it AFTER they used it on him.

    It’s called “Vanish,” made by 3M.

    And every single one of his symptoms are listed on the material safety data sheet, but they’re not even mentioned in the marketing brochure (which was as close to the package insert as I could get from the dentist).

    Here is the material safety data sheet:–
    Note, also, on page 3, that it states: “Contains a chemical or chemicals that may cause cancer.”

    We gave him extra B12, which seemed to help enormously with the dizziness and tingling hands and feet. Next, we switched to fluoride-free toothpaste, and limited his carbs (he’d been eating lot of gluten-free breads, crackers, and cereals), which seemed to help a lot with his energy level.

    I’m not sure what else we can/should do. (Suggestions, anyone?) All I can think, though, is that there seems to be no end to the number of battles we have to fight to prevent our children from being poisoned.

    Cupcake, if your children (or the children of anyone reading here) have been using fluoride toothpaste AND getting fluoride treatments at the dentist, please research that. I’m convinced that the children who are reacting to vaccines (like, the ones developing autism) are also the ones who will react to this fluoride treatment.

    Fluoride has proven to be as much of a waste as vaccines. The flu shot does not prevent the flu, and fluoride does not prevent cavities.Kids today have just as many cavities as children born a century ago. And the toxic effects have been downplayed and even buried, in the same way vaccines have. (And it’s in the WATER we drink….)

    What else are they going to hit us with?

    • Andrea says:

      Thanks Taximom for posting. My child was given varnish and I wasn’t told until after. I was never even given any information on it. This burns me up but thank you for posting so now I know.

      Cupcake (hugs) to you and your family.

      • Taximom5 says:

        Andrea, I was only given the brochure because I asked for the package insert, and when they couldn’t find one, I insisted that they give me SOMETHING with information on it before I left the office.

        When I googled, it I found a YouTube video made by a mom whose son was given Vanish varnish AT SCHOOL, by the school dentist. Without her knowledge or permission.

        I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I never, ever expected that my child would be poisoned at the dentist’s office. I should have known, I guess, but most of my energy has been going to researching other things like…vaccines and autism.

        With reactions that take a couple of days (or more) to really hit, NOBODY IS REPORTING REACTIONS. And, as far as I can tell, the dentists aren’t reading the material safety data sheet. For all I know, they may not even get a copy of it (though they could easily look it up online).

        I ASKED about possible reactions, and was told they’d never seen any. (Sound familiar, anyone?)

        Of course they haven’t seen any, if they don’t happen for days!

        I’d love to know if anyone here has had a child experience similar symptoms, within, say 3 weeks of a dental visit.

    • Blaze says:

      i am horrified. xoxoox

  15. momto 14 says:

    I so know exactly where you are right now. I have children with such mild medical conditions compared to most…. they have asthma, allergies, mild ADD…. not Asperbergers or ADHD with extreme outbursts, no extreme learning disabilities, pretty much near average.

    But yet, with multiple children and repeat bronchitis- there were times endless nights without sleep when their dad traveled that I was exhausted and the things at the house were not getting done because it was overwhelming. When I was drowning and needed a helping hand, a few hours of sleep- I received platitudes on mothering and parenting. My children heard how there should be fewer of them, and how I made my bed. The critics felt justified in their nasty comments and gave them freely. Hardly ANYONE gave assistance in time, energy- what I would give freely to my friends and family.

    How sad our children understand empathy– but adults they interact with lack it from every interaction! I pray your help is on the way – for you, your family, your sons! No one person in a family is greater than its whole…. We are interdependent and we require assistance to balance our lives when there is a special need- temporary or permanent – It is time the need to step up and help rather than criticize becomes the new normal.

  16. Kat says:

    I can completely relate. My daughter, almost 8, has become increasingly agitated, angry, violent psychotic tantrums over who the hell knows what. If you have not looked into parasites/worms, do it. Though her stool tests all came back neg, every single time, guess what… She has parasites and worms!!! Also, Dr Maile Pouls has helped like no other dr before. A 24 hr urinalysis for $100 told us what no dr could figure out in the past 6 years since her diagnosis.
    Dr Pouls will talk to you on the phone, no charge, if you want to find out more. Or feel free to email me and I would be happy to share what we found out that now finally has my daughter on the right track, healing, improving. We start meds for parasite treatment today. Parasites cause anger, aggression, depression, confusion. Finally an answer to her downward spiral that’s taken place over the past 4 years. Dr Pouls website-
    Big hugs – xoxo

  17. Diana Gonzales says:

    ;.( I know…♥

  18. Kelly S. says:

    I’m sorry. And you are right. This should not be happening and people should be kinder. Sending love & positive thoughts to you. I will do what I can to keep fighting from here. A big, squeezy, bear hug for you.

  19. Madonna Ritz says:

    I am so so sorry that you & so many of us still feel alone. I know there are not many words that may comfort, but please know we are here for you to support you & hold you up when your legs are tired. Take all the time in you need <3~ Your fellow Warriors will continue to build & support the front lines of this War and when you come back we know you will be ready to kick some Autism butt!! )))HUGS(((

  20. Mama bird says:

    Don’t know you personally and we are prob miles apart but please feel my hug, love, prayers and support.

  21. Ana Maria Abba says:

    HUGS HUGS HUGS.. wish I could do more. May your son be well soon.


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  24. Sylvia says:

    Cupcake, my heart goes out to you. This fight is a savage battle sometimes. I am sending all of the healing thoughts and energy I can muster to you, your family, and most importantly, your son. I wish we knew more about what triggered the decline and what the tests are showing. Not that you need more advice from people not in the trenches but b/c the instinct here, among us (I KNOW I speak for others) is to offer some glimmer of a path, perhaps based on something we’ve encountered on our own journeys. But outside of that I send you love. And again, I KNOW I speak for others, lots and lots of love, healing and hopeful energy is going to be coming your way. Hang in there. When my own son is in a bad period, I often think of his soul and his soul’s journey. And I imagine myself as a kind of guide or protector for his soul. It helps me get away from the physicality of this whole autism thing and helps me gain a larger perspective. If that doesn’t speak to you, ignore me wholeheartedly and try to find 5 minutes to take a hot shower and let the tears run down the drain. Sending love.

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