I remember learning about basic human responses to crisis when I was in school. Do you? When faced with something scary, people generally do one of two things: stay and fight, or RUN.
I think about that all of the time. It seems my entire life is a crisis. I’m fighting for my son’s health, and fighting for my own. Not to mention, I’m in a serious debt crisis. Having a child with autism costs a fortune.
My first, primal instinct is flight. I sheepishly admit that. I’m a runner! During my childhood and the first few years of adulthood, I avoided conflict like the plague. I stayed away from anything risky. I even steered clear of close relationships. I was scared of many things and many people and I would avoid dealing with anything unpleasant. I thought daredevils and risk-takers were insane. I would run from anyone who even remotely looked like a bully.
But times have changed. Because of the circumstances in my life, I have been forced to face my fears and dig deep within myself to find someone that I didn’t even know was in there. I had to find my inner warrior! It wasn’t my choice; I would rather stay hidden and safe than have to fight all of the time. But my son needs me. He needs me to fight.
My son has autism. Not only that, but he has a tendency to self-injure when he is in pain. Because of that, I have to constantly be on guard. I have to always be alert and aware and ready to act when we see symptoms pop up. It’s hard. It is exhausting. For him, I have had to transform myself from a girl who always did what she was told, to a woman who has to find the answers myself. I have to dig deep and be strong for my kid because he needs that from me. This is a battle I cannot run away from. When times get tough, I have to get tougher. Even if I want to run.
I’ve learned a lot. Very little is accomplished from running. Usually when you run, it only prolongs things. When you face things head-on, you can accomplish much. I see life as an autism mom as being someone who always needs to be in “fight” mode. We have to fight for our kids’ health, their education, and their basic human rights. We have to fight for them to be seen and understood and respected. They need us to fight for them, because they cannot fight for themselves.
One really amazing thing is: there are a lot of us. And there is strength in numbers. I have learned much from the autism moms I have met online. I have gathered much information, strength, and support from them. And through them I have learned that together, we can change the world.
That’s a big lesson for a “flight” girl like me.
Love, B.K.
Love this!! Thanks for sharing.