The Thinking Mom’s Resume

As I approach a new stage in my life, I am left with the reality of having to market myself once again. I will soon have to re-enter the work force and provide for my children as a single mom. This is a difficult task for any woman who has young children, but those parents who have a child with special needs, this becomes a daunting and scary endeavor.

I sat down and began to think about how I would update my resume. When I became certified as a nursing assistant, I began working at a nearby hospital before I even graduated. A few years later, I put those skills to use when I began to work privately for a disabled couple close to home, but again, did not need a resume since I was referred by a friend and hired immediately.

So, now I am left with the tedious task of updating my resume. I sat for a long time thinking about my previous work experience and realized that what mattered the most now was not what I had done while I was working but rather what I had done and learned while NOT working. When I gave birth to my daughter in 1999, I stopped working. I wanted to be there for her and childcare was so outrageously expensive that it would have eaten up almost all of my paycheck anyway. It made more sense to become a “stay at home mom”. Whatever the hell that means. I became an expert in many things I had never studied while in college, nor learned through the positions I held with previous employers. By the time I had my third child, I was a jack-of-all-trades.

When my son was diagnosed with autism, I had no idea what was ahead of me. I was numb. A part of me died that day and I wanted to just curl up in a fetal position and cry. But, as we all do, I picked myself up and decided to fight and get him back. I was determined to recover my little boy. When we make that decision, we don’t realize that we are about to become warriors, superheroes, advocates… and much, much more.

So as I sit here and contemplate what to put on my resume, here is what I come up with.

Judi Mamabear  

Objective-  To obtain a position with a firm that will allow me to utilize all the skills and knowledge I have killed myself to gain in order to recover my vaccine-injured child, with an emphasis on cage fighting.

Education-  Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology            Ramapo College       1996

~ Concentration in Child Psychology

~ Minor in European Literature

Registered Medical/Nursing Assistant       William Paterson University    2009

( Just an FYI to my future employer: Neither of these helped me as a parent. Most of my outdated and rather expensive psychology books were used as kindling in our fireplace and the traditional thinking of pumping my kids full of vaccines and various pills was not something I chose to follow once I hung my scrubs up at the end of the day.)

Qualifications-  Now we are talking!!!!

I am a chef, nutritionist, teacher ( Special Education as well as mainstream from pre-school aged children through adulthood), medical researcher, chauffeur, nurse, psychologist, homeopathic healer, masseuse, financial planner, travel agent, professional stalker ( of those who share my passion for recovery ), athletic director, party planner, tailor, mason, plumber, maid, trainer and runner, personal shopper, Google expert, writer, author, caterer, beautician, lawyer, swim instructor, artist, photographer, social worker and landscaper,  just to name a few. I probably forgot a couple and I will probably gain a few more over the next couple of weeks. If you ask me what makes me the most qualified for this this position I will reply: I am a thinker.

Experience-   1999- present

I am a mom. Enough said. That is more experience than you could ever ask for Mr. Employer. Trust me on that one.

Skills- I can multitask (Holy crap can I multitask!).

– Capable of running on little or no sleep and fully embrace sleep deprivation.

– Can cook dinner while helping my NT kids with homework and singing Adele at the same time.

– Can memorize phone numbers better than any smart phone and recite numbers under extreme pressure. If anyone in the office should ever need medical attention, I have every number in my head as well as access to the most knowledgeable non-medical staff in the world, a.k.a. Thinking Moms.

– Can clean up blood, feces, urine and/or vomit without flinching.

– Know enough sign language to have your needs met. If anyone should ever suffer an injury to their mouth or vocal cords, I will translate and figure out what they need with ease.

– Have the physical strength of 3 men. If any employee should become irate, I can either talk them down or be able to wrap my arms around them and restrain them to ensure that they do not cause bodily harm to themselves or others. (This saves you the yearly salary of a security guard.)

– Can obtain emergency information at all hours of the day and night due to privileged connections throughout the world, a.k.a. Thinking Moms.

– Capable of replacing all cafeteria food with organic, highly nutritious meals — and make it taste good!

– Can answer emails and texts during a conference call with 15 people, and never skip a beat.

– Capable of driving while things are flying at my head, One Direction is blaring on the radio, 5 people are screaming in the third row, and the GPS is repeating “recalculating” over and over again.

– Capable of stretching a small budget to lengths that a multi-millionaire couldn’t afford.

– Can book trips to places you would never ever want to go, but if there is a doctor or specialist that resides there, I can get you the best airfare and accommodations possible for lowest rates possible.

– Well versed in all aspects of the law and can argue anything that you send my way, especially children’s rights.

– Capable of fixing anything that breaks, before your employee has a meltdown.

– Capable of planning a major event with little to no notice, and make sure that all dietary restrictions and requirements are met for each person attending the event.

– Can photograph above event and manage to get a decent picture of each person, even if they are running from me, screaming or refuse to make eye contact.

– Capable of last minute grooming. Forgot about a big meeting? No problem! I can cut your hair while you are spinning in a chair and/or break-dancing, and trim your nails while you are practicing your jiu jitsu.

– Coffee you say??? How do you like it? I can measure out 8 ounces to the drop just by eyeballing it. How many cc’s of milk would you like? Sugar? Is it in in pellet, powder or granule form? Either way, it will be the best cup of coffee you’ve ever had and it’s not because I’m a coffee barista.

– Basically, if you ask for it, chances are I will figure out a way to get it done, or contact someone who can, a.k.a. Thinking Moms.

Salary Requirements- Pay me?????? No, no, no. Please! I insist on paying you instead. I also will be at your beck and call 24/7 and do not require sick, personal, or vacation days.

Hobbies and Special Interests- Hobbies???? No time for hobbies and if it ever was a hobby it has now become a job. As far as special interests are concerned I have only one: to recover my child and teach my kids to be good people who will make important contributions to the world. They are our future and my interest is to make sure that they are safe and healthy.

  • References available upon request, although you probably won’t get a positive one since I have managed to piss off every, teacher, doctor, pharmacist, neighbor, police officer, parent, coach and employer within a 50-mile radius.

I thank you in advance for your time and attention and if you are willing to tolerate my pushy, outspoken, fighter personality — while taking full advantage of the fact that I am TOTALLY overqualified for this position — then I am the woman you have been searching for: a Thinking Mom.

~ Mama Bear


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35 Responses to The Thinking Mom’s Resume

  1. Thank you for making my morning! Love it!

  2. Kathryn Berg says:

    I know this was created tongue in cheek, but I would actually send it out. I think it would garner attention that no one else would and you would get some calls.

  3. Diana Gonzales says:

    I have been recently considering what will go in my resume since I have not worked since 06. I might have to steal a few lines since they were plucked right out of my life! Love the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I read this blog! I AM NOT ALONE! SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! ♥

  4. mamabear TMR says:

    Thanks everyone. If you are reading this, I’m guessing you could swap out the name and use this as your resume as well. <3

  5. too funny!!!! God love you for havin a sense of humor..wish we really could put that on a resume….

  6. sarahnicole8 says:

    Love it!!! Xx

  7. Goddess says:

    Poppy’s right. You’ve got this. You are an amazing mother and you have a resilient, revolutionary spirit. I cant wait to see what your next chapter brings. Love you so much.

  8. Happy says:

    Yes indeed, a good description of our skills.
    Particularly like the, “cut your hair while you are spinning in a chair and/or break-dancing, and trim your nails while you are practicing your jiu jitsu.”

    Thanks so much for the smile you put on my face.
    Warriors we are, we are invincible!

  9. Jena says:

    You nailed it! I’m in the same position now. Divorcing with three special needs kiddos after staying home for 10 years. Thanks for sharing. On one of the many difficult days, I’m going to start with your resume and update it for myself so I can see on paper all the skills I’ve gained from this challenging life. Love!

  10. Wendy Frye says:

    I wish I lived within 50 miles of you – we would be fast friends! Wendy

  11. jeanie says:

    That is the best resume I have ever read. If I had a business I would hire you in a heart beat.

  12. Kerri says:

    You will get any job you want and you will ROCK IT!!! You are an amazing woman. Best wishes and congratulations for a new chapter in your life.

    • mamabear TMR says:

      Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make us realize just how strong we are…… Thank you for your kind words and support : )

  13. Theresa says:

    This is great! You left out Doctor under your qualifications.

  14. Heather says:

    AMEN a thousand times!!! And we should get paid for this “schooling”.

    • mamabear TMR says:

      There isn’t a salary that could be considered fair for what we do every day. Instead, we get paid with love from our kiddos…..and that is more than I could ever ask for.

  15. Guilded Thinker says:

    Brilliant, Mama Bear!

  16. Shiri says:

    Love it! Every word is so true. I always tell me husband that I wish there were 2 of me, because no one else can do what I do everyday. Circumstance has changed me drastically, from what I was just 3 years ago – but I definitely think we become better and stronger people because of it.

    Any place that hires you will realize that they hit the jackpot 🙂 Good Luck!

  17. Poppy TMR says:

    Love this Mamabear!!! With a resume like this, I think you are looking at a job that should pay you a gazillion bucks a year, 8 weeks vacation, COMPLETE health coverage, a 401K, pension, and a BMW company car……and you would still be under compensated 😉 Love you!!! xoxo

    PS – you got this, girl <3

  18. Jenn says:

    Great read!!!! You truly are over qualified for any position offered to you!!!!

  19. Maggie Mae says:

    Love it!!

  20. Love it! I’ve been writing resumes for 25 years, and I have to say this is the best I’ve ever seen. Brilliant.

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