Correlation Does Not Equal Causation: DOGS DO NOT CHEW COUCHES!!!


dalmatian on couch

That dog didn’t do that. The chair was made that way.

I think it is just chair genetics!

And one in every 50 homes has a chair like that!

Chair was already like that, you just didn’t notice till the dog came in . . . . Then you blamed the dog!

We can diagnose chairs better nowadays.

Stop fear mongering. Even IF the dog did it, it’s so rare it doesn’t even make the graph.

I have a dog and a chair, and that never happened to me.

Yeah, my WHOLE family has had dogs and chairs for generations. We’re all fine.


I blame Lassie, just another celebrity dog trying to stir up trouble.

Dogs never chew up chairs. This was debunked 20 years ago . . .

The science is settled.

That chair came off the freeway.

Even though $3 billion has been paid out for chewed-up chairs by dogs, this doesn’t mean the dogs did it. Dog owners were never found responsible for the damage. It was just a settlement. The court never found the dog liable for the damage.

dalmatian on couchMaybe you just didn’t bond with your chair. Refrigerator chair owner?

Chairs are 100% safe with chewing dogs.

Maybe if you grew up in a time when dogs didn’t have chairs to sit on, they only had old rugs . . . . It was horrible.

Chewing dogs are 100% safe and efficacious. You need a chewing dog in your home if you want any kind of education.

A chair can withstand 10,000 chomps at once.

Dogs don’t chew chairs. The “Veterinarian General” made a statement on TV about this.

We don’t know what caused this, but it definitely wasn’t the dog. It’s settled.

^^^To protect the other furniture.


My own dog sat on my couch the other day, and I then noticed a big rip on the arm rest. I called my vet, but he said that was normal for the couch. Not to worry.

If you medicate them, they won’t chew on chairs.

On my vet’s website, they have this section on how to talk to dog-resistant people.

Because fabric-science.

Dogs have saved MILLIONS of chairs!!!

I don’t want you to move your couch next to mine unless your dog has sat on your couch first.

dalmatian on couchYou anti-chewing dogs are bringing back chewed chairs.

Wouldn’t you rather have a shredded couch than no couch at all?!

God, can’t you control your f*cking chair?! Some people shouldn’t have chairs. Maybe CPS (Chair Protective Services) needs to intervene.

Let that dog come over to my house for a week, and there will never be another coincidence again!

The couch was FLAWED during manufacturing, and it just happened to demonstrate this weakness for split seams on the one and only day your dog was in the house for that short period of time.

This chair is perfectly safe with that dog, You are anti-chew.

You anti-chew people are dangerous and are harming innocent chairs, spewing your misinformation and LIES.

Couches have foam. Dalmatians have spots. Let’s save all the furniture. #UpholsterersKnowBest

We all used to have dogs when we were kids. Couches never got destroyed.

There is a new law that requires you to have a dog if you have a couch in your house. That’s a great law. All couch owners should have a dog.

All couch owners WILL have dogs, and if they refuse, they will have to sit on the floor.

Just cuz you saw it doesn’t mean it happened.

You are just one of those anti-dog people. I will unfriend you now . . . .

Yet there is no opting out. You either get that dog or are never allowed in Bob’s Discount Furniture again.

Dog mandates for the entire population! Part of Healthy Furniture 2020

dalmatian on couch#EveryOttomanByTwo




#ChewWed: From Slipcover to Catastrophe

You only bought that couch in the first place because a Playboy bunny told you to!
You are not a veterinarian. You have no authority to talk on the subject.

My neighbor is a vet and he told me dogs never do that. You’re an idiot . . . . [Editor’s note: in my experience, this one is usually written “Your an idiot!”]

The amount of teeth the dog has in its mouth could NEVER do that much damage.

I know you said your couch was FINE when you LEFT and now it is all CHEWED up and that it happened when the dog was alone in the house. I appreciate your video that clearly demonstrates that your couch was fine when you left and the video of it trashed now, but I am the expert in Reupholstering and the SCIENCE is CLEAR: Couches are SAFE in the presence of dogs home alone and our brand of upholstery is EFFECTIVE in dissuading dogs from chewing on our couches. Thank you for the funny video though. Don’t forget to make your next appointment to confirm the integrity of our upholstery, and pay on the way out!

That doesn’t prove the dog chewed the couch. You are a loon!

You’re just desperate to blame that dog for the damage caused by your poor housekeeping.

You most likely dropped some dog treats in the seams of the couch and this resulted in undue interest in what might be beneath the cushions, and we don’t guarantee our product then.

We are so lucky to have dogs in this country. Look at what happens in countries where they don’t have any.

You wouldn’t be complaining about a couch like that if you lived in a third-world country. You would be pleading for Bill Gates to provide you with damaged furniture.

dalmatian on couchGet your damn dog!

That dog movie they wanted to show at the Tribeca festival, that’s an anti-dog movie. I am so glad the veterinarian community came together to support the science against this nonsense. has extrapolated the data! We know dogs cause chewed couches.

The CDC (Center for Damaged Couches) just released a report that the amount of couch damage has leveled off for the first time in history, yet we still have dogs on couches. ‘Can’t be the dogs . . . .

Remember that Danish study? Even though Great Danes weren’t allowed on couches anymore, they still noticed a continued increase in couch damage . . . .

They are phasing out “flame-resistant” materials. Couches are safer than ever.

I’m a *furniture* salesperson. Where’d you learn about couches, Google U?

We now have a whistleblower at the CENTER FOR CHEWED COUCH CONTROL!!

The dog didn’t know he was being recorded. Is that even legal?!

How many couches and their families have suffered??

Brazilian couches have recently reported a number of missing pillows. Now there is this alley cat called Zika that has been spotted in the neighborhood, and they suspect he’s the one who’s been stealing those pillows. (No one saw him do it though.) I am so glad they are now breeding a new kind of dog that will be trained to keep that Zika cat away. All couches will soon be required to own that dog. Save the pillows!

There are too many couches in the world anyway. Who cares?

One in a million. It’s for the Greater Good of couches.

I bet you still believe the earth is flat.

dalmatian on couchYou cannot sue the upholstery manufacturer.

HearThisWell: Dogs do NOT chew couches.

Don’t be afraid of the big words on the couch labels.

If you had read the couch label, you would have known it says, “Dogs may chew couch cushions. And those dogs will then tell other dogs to chew their couch cushions for 28 days.”

Yeah, but the label says that only one in a million dogs will chew a couch.

If you had spread the dog’s access to furniture over time — say in five-minute single intervals, perhaps the couch would’ve been better prepared.

But, have they EVER done a study on couch owners with dogs versus couch owners without dogs?

It’s unethical! Nevermind that there are thousands of shredded couches all over the country. (Often in clusters.) How can we put more furniture at risk?!

We took all the teeth out of the dogs out of an abundance of caution and the rate of shredded couches continues to climb.
You people are never satisfied!


Although the dog probably didn’t eat the couch maybe if you concentrate on all the couches that were saved by dogs you can find peace.

~ The Internet

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21 Responses to Correlation Does Not Equal Causation: DOGS DO NOT CHEW COUCHES!!!

  1. Amy Hernandez says:

    I was actually trying to find information about a couch that my dog would have less success chewing through. Now I have wasted two minutes of my life to reading this bs. This is not even a tiny bit funny to those of us who have children on chemo and you should be ashamed of yourselves for laughing at the Russian Roulette you play with the lives of other people’s children. As the step-mother of an immuno-suppressed child I am horrified by your sickening, conspiracy theory cult. You are the equivalent of self-righteous drunk-drivers. Your selfish recklessness risks the life of the child I love and am responsible for protecting because you have bought into debunked lies of a self-aggrandizing, amoral, so-called medical “researcher” who has been stripped of all his credentials and hence his credibility. You risk lives by choosing to hold onto blaming something that is RELIABLY, REPEATABLY and SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN not to be the cause of your problems. Your batcrap ideas kill and you should be held accountable for every life lost to preventable disease for which vaccination is available and refused.

    • ProfessorTMR says:


      I can understand and appreciate why you feel as you do. You are doing the best you can to protect your step-child, and the world tells you that vaccines are safe for other children. But no one here is laughing at harm done to children, nor will they ever. In fact, it is quite the opposite. The majority of people who came up with these lines are people who vaccinated their children just as the CDC recommends only to watch their dear children develop chronic illness as a result, some of them even developed primary immune deficiencies that render them, as you know, much more vulnerable to infectious disease than the average child.

      These people are laughing at the stupidity of what other people, especially mainstream medical people, have said to them about their own children’s injuries and often devastating illnesses. And they are laughing because they must do something to alleviate the depression and anxiety of dealing with their sick children 24/7.

      As for the “lies of a self-aggrandizing, amoral, so-called medical ‘researcher,'” there is a lot you clearly don’t know about Andrew Wakefield and the infamous 1998 paper he wrote with the help of 12 other doctors and researchers. This is a meticulously sourced piece that should be eye-opening for anyone who believes the mainstream media spin.

      While mainstream media portrays that paper as the source of all so-called “anti-vaccine” sentiment, that’s simply not true. Wakefield is a straw man that the pharmaceutical PR machine has spent a lot of time and money to “discredit” (just like the doctors who spoke out against Vioxx) all so they could point to him and say “They believe HIM!,” when in reality people believe what they do because of their experience and because of the tremendous amount of scientific reading they have done as a result of that experience. You see, contrary to the claims of mainstream media, vaccines have NOT been “RELIABLY, REPEATABLY [sic], and SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN” to not cause autism. (Dr. Bernardine Healy, ex-head of the NIH, said in 2008 that she was surprised to find that “basic research” on the subject has not been done. That “basic research” has yet to be done.) Any real perusal of the scientific literature on the subject reveals a plethora of ways that vaccines can and do damage the immune system, at least for a substantial subset of individuals, which as we know is closely linked to the neurological system. When those vaccines are given while the brain is developing extremely rapid, very bad things can happen. In addition, there is strong scientific evidence linking vaccines and autism specifically. This website covers only a small part of it:

      Unfortunately, the dishonesty of the media pits parents like you, who understandably want to protect your children, against equally loving and concerned parents, many of whom were not able to protect their own children but wish very much to protect others’. Believe me, if vaccines were the “get out of sickness free” card that we are told they are, the United States would have the healthiest children in the world, and parents would be all for it. The simple and sad truth is, they’re not.

  2. Jennifer Power says:

    Laughed out loud! Thank you!

  3. J Bishop says:

    Thanks so much! You inspired me to metaphorialize (or whatever this is) and get my brain out of a complete funk:

    The first sign of Congressional response to the Center for Damage Control Dog-Whistleblower… as follows…

    Senator Elizabeth Warfen in the Senate HELP (Have Every Lounge Pooched) Committee Q&A:

    Thank you, Mr. Chairman. When the porch and rocking chair dogs became available for the first time, wooden chair owners lined up to make sure their chairs would be protected. They’d lived in a world of chair-chewing critters that destroyed chairs’ futures, and they desperately wanted to leave that world behind. These dogs worked so well that the memory of chewed chairs has faded and the importance of chair dog guardians has become less obvious. Last month the Shih Tzu Center reported that while nearly 80% of baby boomers and seniors believe chair guards should be mandatory, only 59% of people under 30 hold that belief, and now gnawed rockers are back.

    Dr. Schnauzer, you are the top pooch-upholsterization official in the United States. I just want to walk through the science on this with you (not under oath).

    Is there any scientific evidence that dogs cause chewed-chairism?

    Dr. Schnauzer: No (shaking her head).

    Senator Warfen: Is there any scientific evidence that dogs cause profound upholsteriological disorders?

    Dr. Schnauzer: Ah, no. But some of the chair chewing critters we dog-guard against can.

    Warfen (clarifying/emphasizing): The critters can, but not the dogs.

    Warfen: Is there any scientific evidence that increasing use of dogs have contributed to the rise in fraying or auto-unraveling disorders among chairs?

    Schnauzer: Um, no.

    Warfen: Are there anatomical parts of dogs that can be destructive to chairs?

    Schnauzer: Not in the amount of contact the dogs give the chairs.

    W: Is there any scientific evidence that keeping a dog off a chair for longer periods or rearranging locations of the dogs and chairs is healthier for chairs?

    S: No. It actually increases the risk for chairs.

    W: So it adds to the danger.

    W: Is there any scientific evidence that people can protect chairs from chewing on their own simply by shutting doors, or closing windows?

    S: No.

    W: How do the risks of a chair responding negatively to a dog compare to the risks of skipping chair-dog acquisitions and risking exposure to a dog-preventable chair-chewing critter?

    S: Dogs are safe and highly effective and it’s important for chair owners to know that they are the best way to protect their chairs.

    W: So, I think every resident wants to protect their furniture. They should know that ALL of the credible scientific evidence suggests that modern chair dogs are SAFE, modern chair dogs are EFFECTIVE, and modern chair dogs are our BEST CHANCE of protecting our chairs from chewing that can damage them. Is that right?

    S: Yes, that’s right.

    W: Thank you! Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

  4. Lynn says:

    This is very funny! Nice! 🙂 I’m not entirely on board the comparison but it is hilarious nevertheless!

    • Lynn says:

      So I was think about this, and I think the dog analogy is a misrepresentation of the situation. In that example that you so creatively provided for us, the dog is the no-brainer culprit. There was nothing and no one else around to inflict such damage. You go away, leave the dog alone in the room with the couch, return home and find the couch destroyed and the dog covered in foam pieces. It is a no-brainer!

      Unfortunately, the Autism epidemic is not nearly as straight-forward and the culprit is not as clear. There are all kinds of things that could be contributing to this threat to health.
      There are dangerous chemicals in clothing, new chemicals being add to food and drinks daily, unsafe drinking water in many parts of the world, the age of new mothers is on the rise… and people take all kinds of medications with greater frequency, in higher doses, and for longer periods of time than ever before- like the psychotropic medications and the many medications (like birth control) that have an effect on hormone levels and regulation. There are many many more factors that I am sure I’m not even thinking about right now. Decreased air quality and pollutants in the air! We could do this all day I’m sure.

      So a more accurate depiction of this problem (in my opinion) would be if you said that you left your couch home alone for the day with the dog, a cat, a bear, a moose, a llama, a flock of birds, a wolf, and a lion. Then you came home to find your poor couch destroyed. Which one did it? The anti-vaxxers would be saying it was the dog!!! But I’m sitting here looking at a bunch of potential culprits, and I’m not feeling so sure.

      That’s why I say that while it’s very clever and made me laugh out loud, I’m not convinced that it’s the most accurate representation of the issue. Maybe it was the bear? I hear bears really like to eat couches. I’m not ruling out the possibility that it was the dog. I’m just suggesting that we not let the bear off the hook just yet!

      Also, given all the research and info out there about vaccines… You could further complicate the scenario by saying that you left your couch home alone with all of those animals, and came home and found it destroyed. Upon arrival, you questioned your neighbors and they say that they saw the dog waltz out the doggy door shortly after you left and saw that he spent the afternoon napping on the lawn. So he is actually the least likely culprit given that evidence. And yet, you still feel convinced it was the dog. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he tore it up right before heading out the door or right after his nap. But what if it wasn’t the dog?

      • ProfessorTMR says:

        Of course, “it’s not straightforward and the culprit is not clear” for EVERYONE. However, there are many situations where the “couch” was fraying a bit from the lama and the lion and the flock of birds, but the couch owner WATCHED the dog maul the couch. Certainly, there is a synergistic effect. Vaccines are not causing the epidemic alone, and almost no one says they are. We know that many of our current practices do increase the odds of neurological damage: antibiotics, general anesthesia, heavy metals in the air and water, intense stress such as that which may be induced by circumcision, heavy use of pesticides, etc. We believe that all these things are contributing to the toxic load in our children, but the thing that very often tips one the over the edge is the vaccines. Many watched this happen and understood it without knowing why. Lately, the mechanism seems to be coming clearer. As the toxic load increases, a child’s ability to reduce the toxic load decreases. Detox pathways are blocked. When detox pathways are blocked, the body turns to the immune system to try and eliminate the invaders. This immune activation (inflammation) is going to happen to some degree in many people with impaired methylation when encountering any of these environmental toxins. However, the immune activation is kicked up into high gear with the repeated hyper-stimulation of the immune system associated with the practice of vaccination before it has any chance to return to homeostasis, guaranteeing neurological damage in at least a subset of children. The ones who are likely to be most vulnerable are the children of those whose immune systems are already showing signs of disrepair, those with autoimmune conditions, allergies, asthma, etc. And, indeed, in the population of children with regressive autism all of these conditions are extremely common, far more common than in the general public.

        Whether or not the couch is pre-damaged by proximity with other animals, if a dog is DESIGNED to chew couches (as vaccines are designed to stimulate inflammation in the immune system) and a dog is added to the room, it is delusional to assume that the dog didn’t have something to do with the subsequent wholesale destruction of the couch.

      • Janet says:

        I think you make a very good point. I know of two moms whose children regressed into autism following anesthesia. There are no doubt other factors. That said, all the vaccine studies that are cited are epidemiological and we know (and Dr. Thompson, CDC Whistleblower knows) just how easy it is to manipulate a statistical sample. Vaccines are totally safe for all people all the time? Toxicology and case studies tell us otherwise.

  5. Lily says:

    It’s impossible to reupholster that couch, so don’t even try. You just need to accept that all couches are different and that being shredded is a gift!

  6. cia parker says:

    We have a crazy wild Aussie adolescent, constantly jumping (four feet straight up in the air, when she’s not crashing onto a person from an unexpected direction), mouthing, biting, pulling, chewing things up… She has to stay in her play pen when she’s inside, and has already finished destroying everything destroyable in the back yard. She chewed apart crucial straps on two Easy Walker harnesses when she has never had the opportunity to chew them up. I don’t know what happened. She got her mouth around one of the straps in a split second when my head was turned, I guess, and bit it in two. We can’t pet her because she’ll jump on you and bite your hand if you try. I’ve had two dogs before, got both of them very young, both energetic terriers, and they were nothing like this ten-month old, expensive, purebred Australian shepherd. I honestly think it’s the vaccines. The breeder got her a combo vaccine with about ten components when she was six weeks old, I followed Jean Dodds’ conservative schedule: two distemper, two parvo, one rabies, at the ages she suggested. I’m wondering if it’s the parvo vaccine that causes ADHD in dogs.

  7. maureen says:


  8. Kristi says:

    Dogs chewing couches is just a conspiracy theory.

  9. Kristi says:

    This is just another step in couch evolution.

    It’s an angel couch sent with a message.

    This is a normal reaction. Just give the couch Tylenol and it will be fine.

  10. Janice says:

    It has been claimed that homes without dogs rarely have massively torn up chairs – but this has not been proven. Of course, it has also never been disproven, since we refuse to conduct the simple, obvious experiment of comparing non-dog homes with dog homes, as we firmly believe that all homes should have dogs, and this experiment might scare people into rejecting dogs entirely. We also refuse to discuss the well-known fact that the only non-dog homes with destroyed chairs had cats, who are also suspect; whereas entirely animal-free homes have nearly universally intact chairs.

  11. Bonnie Skala Kiladitis says:

    Thank you for sharing! Warrior moms are the most clever parents that I know. This had me rolling! 🙂

  12. Janet says:

    Vaccines saved Humanity…look at how many fewer deaths there are from “dangerous” diseases now that there are vaccines…or can we say, “Correlation doesn’t equal causation” in response?

    • Irene says:

      EXACTLY. Why does correlation equal causation only when it applies to the miracle of vaccines? Ridiculous

  13. angelina says:

    Lol…. Don’t forget there are many types of chewed couches these days. Couch diversity people!!!!

  14. Vince says:

    Hilarious (even though I’m a cat person). Nicely done!

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