Heal Yourself, Heal Your Child

I spent the bulk of my week following Autism One doing what most attendees do: looking at pictures and wishing I was still there.  Pictures of Thinking Moms at our booth, pictures of us with celebrities, authors, doctors, scientists – pictures of us at karaoke, pictures of us on a roof-top deck partying into the wee hours of the night.    Happy pictures of hopeful people letting off steam and letting go in the company of the only people we trust with all our hearts, other autism parents and activists.

Of course, I stole these picture-coveting moments during the final week of the school year.  A time when inconsistency, schedule upheavals, and sleep-stealing sickness make life in an already difficult autism household seem almost unbearable.

Looking at these images has been both life-affirming and life-saving.  “Yes,” I hear the quiet whisper in the back of my mind as my husband and I try to get our son to take his medicine.  “Yes, LJ there is indeed, much more than this.”

My friends currently epitomize the hope and vigor I wish to have.  In fact, our facebook community is on fire with positive posts about treatment, results and exciting new protocols since Autism One.  Good things are happening for my friend Alison. My friend Kim?  P is indiscernible from his peers. While he engaged in jovial dinnertime banter with his aunt, Jill’s son said, “I’m going to tell you a secret. Something you don’t know about me.  Something no one knows about me.  I used to have autism.  AND (pause for dramatic effect) I. am.  Austrian.”

I suddenly find all the happy, hopeful people terribly annoying.  I delude myself with the notion that I have it harder than all of them.  I tell myself, I am suffering alone, on an island with a crazy person. Benign things bother me.  My neighbors took the whole last week of school off to take a family cruise.  Awfully brazen of them to just diss the educational system like that.  They just pick up and take off whenever they like.  Party invitations arrive day after day for summer activities requesting my daughter’s presence.  What is everybody so darned happy about?

These poisonous thoughts float around in my head as I clean my kitchen for the fifth time today.   Vigorously scrubbing I lose the present, categorizing my private litany of hurts, slights and injustices.  I ruminate on this morning’s trip to Noah’s new ABA center.  I had to stop the car 9 times on a 10 mile trip to put him, kicking and screaming, back into his carseat.  His brother and sister cried and covered their ears and begged me to make him stop.  As I relive the recent memory, Noah screams, and screams and screams.  I allow my mind to go to the forbidden place. I think of calling a residential home for him.   He is now balancing on the back of a chair, completely naked, cramming his penis into the window as passersby look on and point.  Will they call CPS?  My heart starts to pound and panic sets in (I’ve felt this feeling more times today than I have cleaned the kitchen).  My vertebrae smash together as I whisk him out of view.  I watch for their reactions.  They are laughing.  Hysterically.

So glad my incredibly ill son, who has coughed to the point of vomiting for the past three weeks, has not slept three hours straight in 4 weeks,  is covered in gaping die off sores, rashes and eczema  and suffers mitochondrial disease that promotes this nudity and penis smudging behavior, could provide entertainment for  these ignorant f*%ks.  I hope all their grandchildren get fully vaccinated according to the CDC schedule.

At this hate-filled moment a glass I’d washed escapes my attention and falls from the island and lands on my foot, slashing it in three places.  Blood spouts out like lava.  I feel no pain.  Complete aggravation and annoyance, but no pain.  Reams of paper towel are needed to clean the floor.  The stupid cuts will not stop bleeding.  I take my bloodied self into the bathroom to clean up as quickly as I can.  “Mom! MOM!  Noah is…”  I hear my daughter Mads shouting over our son Liam’s cries.  I’ve not even shut the door yet.

Blood is everywhere.  I start scrubbing the hell out of my face (how did it get there?) agitated at the prospect of how much time this stupid mistake is taking away from my kids, research, meal prep, medicine charts and Facebook.

And then I look in the mirror.  Really look—for the first time in a long time.  It’s been a year.

I look older, but, not in a way that makes me feel angry at the aging process.  I’m almost 42.  I should look older.  That’s not it.  I look sick.  Puffy.  Sad.  A little desperate.  My eyes are small, lost in heaps of skin and ashen waves of facial flesh that should not be there.  So much face.  So much fear.   I take a deep breath.  It’s a wheeze.

Autism took Noah and in the fight to bring him back, it’s destroying me too.

I sat on the floor and tried to bring myself back into my body, something my friend, fellow activist, Karen Kain, taught me how to do.  I tried to center my thoughts and become aware of my body.  All I could really feel was violence, confusion and fear. My own body is at war with itself and I have been ignoring the fight like an old woman sitting on her dilapidated porch in Compton oblivious to the bullets from gang violence whizzing past her cheek.   A zombie.   A fully activated, extremely busy, highly articulate, very fat zombie.

My food groups consist of bread and sugar (which is really gluten and high fructose corn syrup) coffee, and wine.  I eat my pain.  I eat to keep myself from feeling anything. Because what will happen if I stop?  WHAT WILL HAPPEN?   What will happen if I start living in the moments between my first sip of sugary coffee, that holds me over until my first bite of GMO bread, that soaks up the first sips of wine, that anesthetize me so I can start the whole process over again tomorrow?  What will happen?  Really?  I am asking you.  Who will take care of this and make life happen for three children on a daily basis and reverse the damage preventative medicine did to my incredibly sick middle child? WHO?  She asks, as she sips her ginormous syrupy coffee.  WHO?

Several weeks ago, while driving I began to obsess about Noah’s latest treatment regimen.  For those of you who have been treating your child medically, biomedically or homeopathically for chronic neurological inflammatory illness, you know this spiral.  You’ve just invested money in yet another protocol.  You’ve run another panel of tests.  Maybe you’ve just returned from another trip across the country visiting a new physician. You are enthusiastic.  You are told the inevitable.  “It will get worse, before it gets better.”  In the beginning, you are prepared, or so you think.  Then it does get worse.   The first thing to go for Noah when we work on addressing his damaged liver, kidneys and immune system, is sleep.  Without it, life becomes a series of dramatic and often violent moments that I alone must predict and diffuse.   My husband is a huge help, but he is gone, working.  His job pays for EVERYTHING.  He’s also taken up the political fight for Health Freedom for our Noah and for all our children.  He’s gone even more. I began questioning our decision, circling the treatment, his symptoms and behavior in my head over and over again in an endless loop.  Anxiety set in.  I heard a voice.

“Heal yourself and you will heal your son.”  

I HEARD IT.   I ignored it.

I got bitter.  My friends tried to reach out and help me.  I ignored them.

The bitterness turned to hateful thoughts over benign things.

The hateful thought led to absentmindedness (took me out of the present).

The absentmindedness led me to break the glass.

My bloody foot sent me to the bathroom—to the mirror that would reflect my physical reality back at me for the first time in over a year.  Hmmmm.  Would have been so much easier just to listen to the voice.

I know many, many of you have seen these signs in your own lives.  I know many of you know the self-destructive loop of which I speak.  We read books on nutrition (like GAPS) while we sip Diet Coke and munch on Doritos.  We buy the best food for our children while we hoard garbage food like addicts alone in our pantry.  We slave over GF/CF/HFCSF/SCD meals for the kids while we eat Kentucky Fried.  We spend hours cooking clean food for them that they reject.  We eat it. We drink a bottle of wine after they go to bed, while we do the laundry, clean the kitchen, plan their week, and do the bills. We keep complex charts and diaries of their therapies, diets, medicines, and behavior but we cannot remember the last time we read a book for pleasure.  Pleasure?!  What’s that? I know research, progress, regression, damage control, progress, repeat.

I know you friend, and I know you know me.   We cannot go on like this.

So here is what I propose.  God knows, we know our sh*t, so I won’t bore you to tears with some regimen, plan or additional checklist you need to add to your already over-the-top life.  You know how to eat.  You know how to live.  You know what is right for your body.  You just need to do it.  Just like, I need to do it.  Can we do it together?   If we heal ourselves, maybe, just maybe, in the process we heal our children.

I am going “dry”.  No sugar, alcohol or gluten for the next 10 weeks.   No bread.  Just the stuff every authentic book on the market about nourishment tells us.  If it comes from the earth (and is not corrupted with pesticides), it’s good.  If it comes from man, it’s bad.   S-I-M-P-L-E self care in a complicated world of iatrogenic disease.  Please contact me through The Thinking Moms.  We can support, uplift and HELP each other.  We must grow stronger.   The healthier we are, the healthier our kids will be and the more powerful our voices will become!  All summer long I will be writing about my journey to health, and I am sure, my adventures in die off. If you are crying and convicted right now, this was written for YOU.  If your first thought is, “I can’t do it (insert reason here)” let me remind you of something.  YOU ARE A PART OF THE MOST POWERFUL GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT IN CONTEMPORARY HISTORY.  YOU ARE SAVING CHILDREN’S LIVES!  You can indeed, make a doughnut your b*tch.  Hope my boy Em gets you motivated!  I can’t wait to hear from you!

Much love and respect, LJ Goes (The Rev)

P.S.  I do not sincerely hope the passersby grandkids get fully vaccinated according to the CDC Schedule.  That would make me a monster.

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51 Responses to Heal Yourself, Heal Your Child

  1. Pingback: Heal Yourself, Heal Your Child Part 2: Summer 2013 Life Lessons | The Thinking Moms' Revolution

  2. Lorilei64 says:

    WOW!! I am in tears. I am in awe. I love the strength you have in even posting this. I have no words of wisdom, but i leave here a better Mom from reading this and sharing in your emotions. What a warrior you are!! Thank you for sharing this. I leave you a piece of my heart and a promise to add you to my prayers.

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  5. Pam says:

    Lisa – I got this website when I talked to your mom about my mom’s funeral. It’s taken me this long to come out here and read. Wow! You are such a strong and amazing woman, mother and wife. I wish there was something I could say or do but I know there is not. I just wanted to drop in and say hello and let you know that I am still thinking of you even if I don’t get updates from my mom from your mom.

    Take care,
    Pam (Elaine’s daughter)

  6. Stephanie says:

    HOLLY COW! That just brought out all my emotions! Your video of your son crying to take medicine, I could not even listen to very long because it sounded like my son and I would just break down when my son went through those same times. So of course I started crying within 5 seconds of that video because you are saying the same things I did, “I know, I know honey, but you have to take it” and him crying and screaming even harder. UGH, that was me. And Eminem’s song just makes me want to take on the world! Thanks for that, I needed it!

  7. Melissa says:

    Yep yep yep. The last 18 months tore me up. Wasted mentally, emotionally and physically. We Made some life changes. I give myself an hour a day to do CrossFit. Love it. Something about lifting weights and pushing myself to the point of wanting to vomit is cathartic.:). Really. I hope you can find that time for you as it is so important. I love my husband dearly, but I’d something happened toe, they’d all be screwed.

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  9. Dear Lisa, Your tenacity makes me think of old Kipling’s “If “. To wit:

    IF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

    If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    ‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
    if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

  10. jessymum says:

    I come from a slightly different perspective than you because I do NOT have a severly autistic (vaccine, environmental toxin injured) child. Infact I was the one in the family with the FIRST diagnosis – Aspergers – relatively high functioning – I got to 35 before being diagnosed! … and only one child who I suspect will very soon also be diagnosed with Aspergers. However, I AM stranding in solidarity with you on this one! … I am about 40 days now gluten / casein free – which to begin with included quite a bit of ‘processed gfcf foods – BUT has over time evolved – and become a diet consisting mainly of fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds with a small amount of chicken, lamb, rice and quinoa. I’ve decided in the last few days to cut out corn and also non-fermented soy. The most processed foods I’m consuming now are basmati rice and organic rice crackers. Once you cut out corn and/or soy that pretty much cuts out MOST processed stuff anyway! I’m sure I’m on my way to reversing years of health damage – and better yet – I get to try it all out on me – and ‘perfect it’ before subjecting my daughter to it!

  11. Momyer says:

    I have been reading this blog from time to time and I want to tell you all how much I appreciate the openness and sincerity expressed. We parents cannot ignore the massive numbers in our group worldwide in the fight against and plight in autism. Without us our children will be lost. The pain we feel and have for our sick children Is real and for me no different than breathing air … How could it be? So we are challenged to manage the pain, gently and with firm commitment otherwise we will break apart which just cannot exist for us. We are the leaders and voice for our most precious children. They are so sick unlike any disease known, stuck in their body like an awake coma with no way to control their expression … Who would you wish that on? And then there are times of pure innocence that we could only wish for all of mankind … So we are history in the making …Let’s strive to make history by coming through this disease alive and well so that we may be blessed to have a cure and enjoy the progress we make for our children and to enjoy life …. I wish that for all of you amazing parents out there ….

  12. Marie says:

    I don’t think I have ever felt so at one with anyone before. When I read this to my bff(my mom) I will have to tell her I didn’t write it. Love it and I’m in.

  13. Jersey says:

    Nobody writes about our lives like you do….you nail it everytime…your writings validate our existence. The tribute to pharma video reminded me of the days when my kids were preverbal and before biomed…the crying and screaming (always on the floor) that you think will never end..when they can’t tell you what’s wrong…it takes its toll on you. At my first ARI conference in NJ about 4 years ago I heard Jenny McCarthy speak for the first time. I remember thinking I can’t afford to do any of these protocols…and she said “if you can’t afford to do anything, just do this…meat, fish, vegetables, fruit”…and I always remember her saying that…I finally did GFCF for myself last summer and lost about 50lbs and never felt better. You can do it because you, as an autism mom (AM), know what to do better than anybody and how to do it. You do need a tangible goal though and I think that the next conference in Tampa in November is perfect! Hope to see you there!

  14. LJ-

    2 years ago, when we went GFCFSF, I did it alongside my son. The healing on my own right has been incredible. The first 6 months GF are hell, but you will pull through.

    I grew up Italian on the NW side of Chicago, and only ate gluten, sugar, and processed foods. If I can do it, anyone can.

    The real food movement has been incredibly helpful in our family’s healing.

    Now, if I could only get the hubs to drop the processed crap….

    If you need anything, let me know.

  15. Natalie says:

    Hey Rev,
    Again, your words move me beyond words. They are so so true. Heal yourself, heal your child. We have been on the bath of biomedical intervention for my sons for almos 3 years now. Only ONE YEAR ago did I take a good look at myself and begin eating real food, and tell myself it’s ok to spend money on the propersupplements for myself. I began to see a naturopath, and I actaually TOOK her advice. I eat what my kids eat. I feel amazing. The only thing I have a hard time fitting in is exercise, but I am working on that. I never imagined how much better I would feel – rarely do I have to endure 3 pm crashes now. I have more energy now than I did in my early 20s (I am 32).

    And I am a better mom. YES, heal thyself, heal thy child.

    Thank youf or your words, they inspire me daily!

  16. Shell says:

    Your child knows when you are drinking and “not there” for him. It increases his anxiety, because he knows he is alone in the world when the only person he connects with has abandoned him. His behavior will improve when he gets you back. I know, I was there, I had to kick alcohol back in 2002 in order to truly save my son. Until I stopped drinking, I was only deluding myself that I was healing him.

    Alcoholism is prevalent among us, and so easy to fall into, and so easy to justify. But its deadly: to you, your child, your marriage, it will take everything.

  17. Julie says:

    LJ I am with you in this. I’ll be a support person for you, if you want. I have already started and have been gfcf for a while now. I lost a lot of the aches and pains. The only thing I have to be careful of is to not eat too many nuts cause it does a lot of the same thing, lol! You can do this! You will not regret it. Meanwhile, I am going to start delegating the treatment planning to a doc. It was wearing me away, and I am not at a place to think clearly enough to be my own doc. We moms need fun, pure and simple. Fun and good health. I can’t wait to see your journey to good health!!!!!

  18. Michelle says:

    Hugs from the UK, we hear you loud and clear and whilst reading your post felt like we ARE walking the same footsteps, funny enough been thinking a whole lot more about diet ete lately and have just started to eat nearly the same as my son, although now i seem to be baking alot more as a 7yr old doesnt eat half as much as a 41 yr old! Also been looking into Qigong massage for Autism, i have bought a book that comes with a DVD from amazon whilst waiting for that to be delivered i managed to find some you tube videos of this and started to copy one of them on my son, he loves it, it makes him laugh and then seems to chills him out completely, its really nice because it has given us some “close time” where we seem to connect and just smile at each other. Im now looking into Tai Chi for me, hell i need it being a single parent, home schooling, doing biomedical treatments, baking special diets and dealing with all the other daily tasks breeds one stressed out Mummy, so i am 100% in the “Heal yourself, heal your child” thought process, now to put thought into action!

  19. Mary Cavanaugh says:

    Dear Rev,

    Your words are so powerful. They express how painful “autism” is to watch and how very sick our children are. Neurotypical Moms have no idea. If they only knew then maybe we wouldn’t have to suffer in silence. Then again chances are they would not know how to respond or know what to do. I’ve been there. The many meltdowns, never knowing what is going to set her off. Fearing the second meltdown even more. Begging her to get in the car. Begging her to get out of the car for the next Dr. appt. Watching her weight fall off while on the latest med. Screaming at her not to jump out of the moving car. Making sure nothing dangerous is in the car incase she decides to heave it at me while I’m driving.
    There is no doubt this will pass and your little guy will recover. I pray you and your son will experience a calmness only God can give you.

  20. Nura says:

    Brilliant, thank you for making me feel I am not alone a d there is hope for us and our children. Lots of love
    Nura from Bristol.

  21. Diana Gonzales says:

    Tears…I know what I need to do, Ive known for a couple years now that I’ve had this thing in my chest. You see, I actually died twice during procedures to see what exactly is wrong with my heart. I remember the first time vividly. That’s a whole other story. But what it did was guve me a glimpse of what worry-free is. From that point on I’ve been killing myself with food. Yes, slowly commiting suicide by neglecting my body. Before diagnosis, I did not worry. I excercised. I made pretty good food choices. After, I worried everyday, all day. All the worry caused my heart condition, I know it. I’m a single mom now, and I am all they have. You made me realize if I give up on me, I’m throwing the towel in on them. F**K HEART DISEASE! I’m gonna beat this and hear LoRenzo say “F**K AUTISM!” one day. You know I’m very particular about taking care of my kids things that are not easily replaced, so thanx for showing me that I should be on the top of that list! xoxox!!!!

  22. KFuller says:

    This is a tall order. Our whole life has been about Autism and the boy for 16 years. The health comes and goes for us. We have to live forever so I guess we better listen up!

  23. Karen says:

    Dear LJ, you my friend remind me so much of what I went through with Lorrin. My heart has been heavy since A1, as it always is. I remember the horrible feeling of loneliness, hopelessness and a huge loss of life…the life that I thought I would lead. In the beginning (first five years) Lorrin screamed constantly and never slept. When she was months old the doctors convinced me to put this horrible medicine in her. They told me if she didn’t sleep she would have more seizures. We used to make up a formula called BKF – Bubba knock out formula. We mixed about 4 different things to mask the horrible flavor of the barbiturate we were giving her. The first time she spit it right out and we knew she was in there and smart. I held her for many months watching her body go lifeless after drugging her only to wake with another seizure. Then one day I just couldn’t drug her any more. I know you are not using crappy drugs but doing your best to get some great nutrition into your boy, either way it is exhausting and confusing. I feel your pain and can tell you that the one thing that you can count on is change. This will not stay this way forever. I promise you. Some things get better and some more difficult. You will learn to cope differently, of course. You will grieve and you will experience great joy.
    No family should have to go through what you and many others are experiencing. When Lorrin was one to four she would lay there and her body would move out of control for hours. It was so painful to watch and keep my sanity acting like everything was going to be ok. A wise woman told me, “You will learn to enjoy the good moments when you have them.” My entire body resisted her words and I wanted to dig a hole into the center of the earth and bury me and Lorrin. The truth was that things did get better and I did learn to enjoy the simple smiles and restful moments and they grew from there. I learned to take care of myself. You are a fighter and a lover. You will find the balance and things will get better. Thank you for taking the time to educate us all and remind us that we need to stop this from happening to one more family. I love you soul to soul:)

  24. Buzz says:

    You Rock…… I’m in…. I am addicted to Diet Coke… It’s gone… for the last year I have been saying to myself how can I help my son when I dont even help myself… i am even going to take my hair out of a ponytail…..xoxoxo to you and your beautiful boy…

  25. Happy says:

    Go for it! It’s totally worth the work.

  26. Blaze says:

    How many times I’ve waffled between super healthy and NOT in the last 8 years since diagnosis!!! I have dabbled in some of P’s treatments and have had one doctor say I’d be full blown autoimmune if I hadn’t. Late nights on the phone with other autism moms have been my saving grace and my worst choice all rolled into one! LOL It’s once again time to reign it in and I look forward to working this out together, Rev! Ain’t nobody happy if Momma ain’t happy! xoxxo

  27. I am sorry that you have so much to deal with. You are on the right path..to take care of youself first before or as you are caring for your family. I am praying for you.

  28. mamabear TMR says:

    I adore you and although I know the reflection you see in the mirror seems “sick, old and depressed”, what I see if very different. I see a fighter….someone I admire so much. Someone who is beautiful inside and out!!!! However, I know exactly where you are coming from. I can no longer take a compliment. I look down and hide the lines on my face that roadmap the pain, fear and frustration I’ve endured over the years. I run miles and miles each day just to get out of my head. THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for saying that we too are important and that our health has to be a priority as well. You are an amazing mother and a dear friend. Let’s get healthy together and be capable of handling the ridiculous amounts of stress we are bombarded with each day. The road to recovery isn’t only paved for our kids. We can recover as well in mind, body and soul. <3 I've decided I'm doing the MMS diet with Nicky. Thank you for motivating me to do so!!!! Love you!!!!

  29. Kim Morton says:

    Thank you for your honesty. You are a beautiful writer and I can relate to do much your saying. Sugar is my drug.. If I can’t eat a bag of Swedish fish while my son is having a melt down or while my husband and I are arguing over what to do about it- I don’t know If I can handle this. I’m exhausted after they go to bed and numb myself by eating. I commend you on going cold turkey!!!!!

  30. Poppy TMR says:

    I just love you to death. That’s all. You git this, Sista! I don’t know anyone stronger than you xo

  31. Karren says:

    I thunk you are amazing! Your post really speaks to me, I have been thinking along the same lines too. I don’t know how to express how grateful I am to have heard your voice; so direct and honest. You are amazing. You deserve THE very best. Give yourself the best. Look after yourself. Big love.

  32. Lynda says:

    Tears…overwhelmed, confusion, determination, love (more for my son..not enough for myself), laughter, more tears, impatience, anger, patience, SCATTERED, never ending search, glimmers of hope….just keep putting one foot in front of another. It helps to know I’m not alone. Thank you.

  33. Kerry Persad says:

    I have heard that very same voice. I have ignored it. I know it’s true. It’s time. I’m in!!!
    Starting now!

  34. Wow! I relate to so much of what you write and have also been on a path of discovery that healing is a process for all of us. Several years ago, my own major illness gave me pause and literally forced me to learn that self-care is essential to support my family. My son has made amazing progress and at age 9, is still on the local train, making many many stops, but we have all learned to be present for his ride and not worry so much as others take a faster path.
    On a practical note, the recipes in my GFCF children’s cookbook ‘The Kitchen Classroom’ were born out of us making the shift to all eat together and enjoy the same food. The entrees are quick and simple & give you ideas about getting the kids in the kitchen with you. The simple act of sharing time cooking with my son has been so healing for both of us. 🙂
    Sending you love!

  35. Maggie Mae says:

    LJ you’re right on topic….I decided *today* to go GF, in addition to being vegetarian for a month. Baby steps, are the way for me anyway. Removing one bad thing, adding in one good thing. I heard that same whisper. I’m slow to respond. But I am responding. If not for my Daughter, then just for me. But its for the both of us. For our entire family. I need to be healthy…WE ALL DO. We can do it. Bless you…and thanks.

  36. Cheryl Bailey says:

    You are where I was years ago…all of it…so familiar. Yes, eat right, it’s the very first step for YOU! You will get where you can’t eat junk anymore, but you will remember the high you got off it…boy will you remember. I send you buckets of hope and prayer for a healthier you and healthier family.

  37. Sugah says:

    I’m in.

  38. Mere H says:

    Yes, yes, and yes! I’m watching my dad suffer with cancer (and my mom suffer with him), my daughter struggle out of her autism, my son battle his sensory issues and my husband drift further from the athletic, active, connected man he once was. I do that each day and I look at each of them with my wagging finger held high and know what they need to do to feel, look, act, BE better. I know, too, what I *should* do for myself. I lie to myself and say that if I can just fix everyone around me first, then I can concentrate on me. Please, why can’t it work that way? That way I can drink my wine every night until the recycling bin reaches embarrassing heights, I can have that bagel for breakfast even though I’ll feel like shit by 10:30, I won’t have to find someone to watch the kids while I make time to exercise. The sad part is, I went on a great diet/exercise plan for 60 days this year and I’ve never felt better in my life: Energy, clear skin, muscle tone, it rocked. At the end of 60 days, I thought, “I can’t live like this”. Why the hell not? What is wrong with me/us that being numb is better than feeling good? Why does it have to be so damn hard?
    Thank you for sharing yourself, Rev. If you jump, I’ll jump. I’m about 15 minutes away from cleaning out the pantry for good.

  39. Cindy W says:

    How did you know I was crying? (and the Eminem song was absolutely totally perfect — I’ve played it 3 times while I get my fighting spirit in gear….)

  40. Brianna says:

    This brought me to tears… I guess it was meant for me! I wish you the best on your healing..I agree that we have to heal ourselves in the process. It’s all energy, in my opinion. Toxic energy is just as harmful as a Big Mac. Our children are sensitive to the energy around them and we can be a critical piece to their recovery.

  41. “Heal yourself and you will heal your son.”

    Love this.

  42. Kim D says:

    Great! I am with you, though I may wimp out on the alcohol, I believe I can take more time for healing my insides. As I read your post today my stomach is grumbling it’s 10:30 and I have had nothing but coffee. So I am off now to make the kale chips, with the kale I have had in the fridge for nearly a week. Happy health to all of us and our beautiful kids!

  43. Wendy Frye says:


    I don’t know you personally, but it had to have been a Vulcan “Mind-meld” when I read your post this morning. I have branded myself the biggest hipocrite on the planet – AFTER 13YEARS I KNOW BETTER!!!! I’ll do it too – off all processed, MSG laden, sugar, wine, and the like and will heal myself too. I’m taking a before picture so I can remind myself what I don’t want to be anymore. Exquisite timing, can’t wait to meet you all in person someday…….. Wendy Frye

  44. Carolyn S. says:


    I know I sound like a broken record, but every time I read a piece you have written I just want to give you a hug and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you never stop sharing, because just like me there are so many who identify with everything you say.
    For the “having to stop the car 9 times on the way to therapy”, we were lucky enough to receive a grant to install E-Z on floor mount vests so the boys would stop escaping while I drive. I know it isn’t for everyone, but it has truly saved my sanity knowing that I won’t wreck because they grabbed me and they will be safe if we were in an accident. It is the only thing I could find that they couldn’t figure out, and I did many many hours of research.

    I look forward to you sharing your journey over the next few weeks. I read this article after a breakfast of cheez its and a giant cup of coffee. Ugh. I hope to join you soon, I have been trying to prep myself for at least a month now.. until school got out and my stress level went back through the roof. No more excuses.


  45. Monsters Mom says:

    Holy hell! I need to take care of me too! I’m always tired, I read nothing but autism related things, my health is in the toilet, my HAIR IS FALLING OUT so bad I’m considering buying a wig (like i’ve got extra money!).
    I see this person that looks like me but seems so unhappy…..unhealthy I would think she was fighting some life thrashing illness. It makes my heart hurt that i’ve forgotten how to take care of me.

  46. luvbugtmr says:

    I am letting go of white (rice, bread, sugar). Alcohol has been a forgotten pleasure due to my body rejecting it about 2 years ago. Oddly, my reason for healing my body has been 1.so I can live forever 2. so I can drink again. Sick, but true. The things that come to the surface when you can’t stuff them with food and alcohol are … hard. But I think we have to do it.

    I’ll hold your hand, you’ll hold mine. We will get through this minefield together. And cuss about it. And laugh about it. And cry about it. But we’ll make it to the other side. I just know it.

  47. Jaimie says:

    This post had me crying, laughing, and giving me pure HOPE!!! Thank you for posting this, you guys are what keeps my family and I going and I have learned so much from TMR.

    I know the feeling well of being exhausted, a walking zombie, My son doesn’t sleep as well. I massage him with a PURE lavender lotion, give him a bath before bed with lavender in his bath and lace his sheets with lavender essential oils. He went from only getting 4 hours of sleep a night, to getting 6. I know it’s not the full 8 but I will take the extra 2 hours.. Maybe this might help Noah?

    I love waking up every morning to read the newest blog. I’m a TMR junkie. Thanks for posting

  48. Goddess says:

    I’m in. Giving it all up with you. , even organic wine. Pics from AO…man I am so fat!!! Starting today, right now. Love you so much and miss you. xoxoxoxox NAA in November!!! and we will be the healthy skinny thinking mamas on the beach!!

  49. Cristina says:

    i so feel/empathize with you. Remember, you are a blessing in your childrens lives. and remember they’re all little blessings for you. Your in my prayers. Your loved.

  50. LJ-I love ya girl…this was me last year-broken and angry…pissed at the world and even those in the trenches with me… (and the residual fatness, my illness, and puffiness still is until I start his protocol and get my ass to the gym…) until I went to John of God for our spiritual healing…I went for Coop and found the greatest emotional healing…mine. Since Sept. he has never healed so much faster and consistently (still do to the work we do to get them better but I feel I am guided and it isn’t so hard) but I am at peace…don’t get me wrong, right now I am reading ‘Shut up about your perfect kid’ ;)… When you messaged me last year and said no….don’t stop blogging! It was a point where I had to-to let go of that angry person….something had to give. So, when I do return to blogging it will come from a different place

    Pax Vobiscum my dear friend,

  51. HD says:

    Awesome LJ, and I wish you lots of luck and lots of good health. When I started eating the same as my daughter on the spectrum, my head started clearing, my body looked and felt better, and my face stopped breaking out. I never realized my body didn’t like gluten until I pulled it. And once I stopped sugar, the headaches and hypoglycemia went away.

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