Pageant Mom

The RevIt’s no secret I’ve been angry as of late.  I’ve been airing nasty posts on my personal FB page day in and day out for months detailing every angry thought that passes through my mind. I went off on an unholy rant with my friend Curt Linderman, during his show Linderman Unleashed on Natural News Radio—on the national day of love no less! Expletives have become a part of my daily lexicon.

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What is wrong with me, you ask?  Let’s review.

I gave birth to a beautiful little boy by the name of Noah Patrick Goes in September of 2006.

I took him in for every single childhood vaccination early or on-time, according to the CDC’s recommendations.

Over the course of the first 12 months of his life, he descended into the darkness of multiple auto-immune illnesses which were undetected by physicians, then mislabeled as autism months later.

An art school project. A telling portrait of what the American Diet has done to Noah

An art school project. A telling portrait of what the American Diet has done to Noah

He now has mitochondrial disease.

He has bowel disease so severe I will be taking him out of school for 90 days to micromanage his incredibly limited diet and administer medications at precise intervals to repair the extensive damage done as the result of my faithfulness and obedience to the CDC and the herd.

My responsibilities are as follows:

  • Manage the schedules, expectations and lifestyles of Noah’s two neurotypical siblings while managing his violent and erratic behavior as he enters biochemical withdrawal. Yes, our food is also a drug, probably the most powerful of all narcotics. If you doubt me, try taking your normal kid off milk for a week and see how that goes. You’ll have an addict on your hands.
  • Keep ALL of my children safe at all times.
  • Coordinate Noah’s medical, biomedical and dietary interventions in tandem with his cross-country care administered by multiple research physicians, ensuring the protocol of one does not interfere with the other.  Doctors do not do this, nor do pharmacists. I will google the drugs and supplements.  I will read the research on each.  I will investigate doses and conflicts.  I will take copious notes and refer to them as new drugs/supplements are added or removed. I will read the history and development of each drug.  I will talk to others who have taken it.  I will critically evaluate the pros and cons.  This practice alone will consume epic amounts of time.
  • Defend every decision I make to the everyday doctors whom I must rely upon to carry out the orders of the research physicians. I simply cannot afford to fly to a research hospital every time Noah needs a particular treatment, so, I must do this.  It is not a choice if I want this child to get better.
  • Stand calmly in the face of public scorn, tolerate name calling and insults hurled at my family (and my fellow thinkers) with a dignified smile on my face.  Stating over and over again, “I understand you do not care for me, however, kind sirs and madams…I ask that you please READ the science and the explanation provided by the ordering physicians.
  • While managing this chaos, I have to not go apeshiz on the random jackleg teenagers loitering at Starbucks saying things like, “You are out of soy milk! For real?  I wanted a soy chai. Whatever, I’ll get a macchiato…FML.”  Eye roll. Hip thrust. Lip curl.

Get a grip, Rev.  Get. A. Grip.

I know, I know.  You’re right.  This isn’t helping anyone.  Least of all Noah.  Least of all, my family, our extended family…you…the Thinking Mom readers who are tuning in to hear and share your own, “Stories of healing.  Of Truth. Of justice.  And of HOPE.”

So, being the Thinking mom I am, I decided to recalibrate.  A little retail therapy.  It wasn’t a choice, so much as the fact that my daughter’s first communion is coming up and given our family’s rigorous schedule, we had to do it on this particular day or not at all.  Shopping always puts me in good spirits.  I am, after all, a girl.

So, off to the swanky west-side my daughter and I went.   Saturday.  Craziness.  Bitter cold.  Angry Chicago suburb drivers flipping you the bird for not turning quickly enough.



We finally got to the boutique I had in mind and my daughter, Mads, was the very picture of girlish delight taking in all the beautiful flouncy dresses.  We made our way to the changing area with a load of them. The only dressing room in the place was occupied.



Pageant Mom

Is there no rest for the weary?  Can we catch a break?  

I hid my distaste as the heavily made up mother made her way out of the only dressing room with an arm full of dresses.  I avoided her smile and pageantesque eye contact as a sales associate directed us to a makeshift bar in the corner of the store draped with something that reminded me of a shower curtain I’d neglected in college.  “If you don’t mind…”

Sure, a little girl goes shopping for her First Communion dress ONCE in her life, but sure, we’ll take the broom closet, while pageant mom buys the umpteenth gown for Sassy’s bazillionth competiton.  “Vacuous, insipid…” and other random nasty mutterings spilled from my consciousness onto my lips.

“What mom?”  Madeleine’s big browns gleamed up at me.

“Oh nothing, lovebug.  What do you think of this one?”

I held up a satin number with a little bolero.  The dresses were the main attraction.  She was oblivious to the less-than accommodations.   A quick change and some primping and she pranced over to the mirror where pageant mom’s older daughter sat playing with her blinged out iphone.

“Too long, I think.”  Mads said, after a thoughtful twirl.

“I had my communion already!”  The daughter piped up.  “Cool.”  I said. Flashing her a smile.  “Did you get to have a fun party?” I don’t really like to mix with pageant people but I don’t want to teach my daughter poor manners, either.  “Yes.”  She nodded, with a sweet smile that was decidedly un-beauty-queen-like.  She had a sadness about her that was hard to pinpoint, and it made me feel sorry for her.

I kept trying to catch a glimpse of pageant mom’s pageant daughter, but our mirror schedules never coincided.  Fussy gowns, slips, crinolines, and wraps were brought into her daughter’s dressing room upon her request.  Thick, dye- blonde hair cascading down the back of Scarlett O’Hara style dresses were all I could take in.  She dyes the girl’s hair?  Gads!  She is what, five years old, tops?

Honestly, some people.

I actually heard those words in my head.  Honestly…some…people and their jacked up priorities. 

Finally they’d finished. “We are heading out! You’re welcome to the room!”  Pageant mom gestured.


“Thanks.”  I half-heartedly smiled.

At just that moment, Mads emerged in “the dress”.  She was positively glowing.

“This is it mom!” She proclaimed with 100% certainty. Pageant Mom’s gaze immediately shifted to her. “Wow!  Is it your First Communion?”

“Yes!”  Mads proclaimed, smiling proudly with the sheer joy of being beheld.  “Well, you look just beautiful.”  While she focused on Mads her daughter finally emerged from the room so I could give her a good once over.

No pageant princess here.  She had no eyelashes or brows. Blue eyes, sunken in. In her everyday clothes she was painfully gaunt, bones protruding from her neck like brittle twigs.  The yellow hair was a wig.

“She really is beautiful.”  The mom said to me as Mads pranced over to the mirror. “I hope it is a special day for you both.”

Shame doesn’t really begin to cover it, does it? Perhaps if I spoke one of the romance languages that focus so much on the power of the human experience, I could  then successfully define the abject disgust I felt for myself in that moment.

My self-destructive anger ended right then and there.  I have never been one of those revelation people.  I don’t have moments or epiphanies.  For heaven’s sake, it took me two years to really understand the extent of physical damage done to my son.  I am a slow learner.  I plod along where others say, “I just decided to do such and such one day and I have been doing it ever since.”   That’s just not me.   I question, evaluate, ignore, talk myself out of it, re-evaluate…everything for me is a long, drawn-out process. I learn the hard way.

Yet, this was one of those moments.

My anger was so strong and so overpowering, it had been coloring my reality.  I assigned a personality to this woman and her child that was entirely false.  It had NO basis in reality.  Yet, I let my false opinion taint the first 30 minutes of a 40-minute shopping experience with my daughter.  Of my own volition.  My own doing.  MY OWN PERSONAL CHOICE.

How many times had I done this before?  How many times did I expect a questioning parent to shoot me down because she worked in mainstream medicine?  How many times was I given a chance to develop a relationship with a new person and I walked away because I’d made a snap judgment about them?

Despite this woman’s own circumstances, she radiated love.  Her very honest and pure way of being helped me to see myself.  Pure bitterness. I considered Noah’s struggles.  My family. The many tears shed.  The incalculable loss of time, money and health.  My precious boy’s rotting intestines.  The knowledge that it all could have been prevented.  Rage.  I was emanating rage.

Of course, I have a right to be angry—absolutely, without question.  I need my child’s health restored and justice for what our families have endured.  But if it destroys me in the process, if it makes me bitter, remorseful and angry at the wrong people, what’s the point?

When carrying this massive burden, it gets harder and harder to stay focused on the real enemies.   The CDC.  The NIH.  The AMA.  The AAP. The FDA.  ANY doctor that does not read the package inserts on vaccines. Any physician who fails to take into account a child’s familial history of allergies, asthma, adhd, autism or auto-immune illness when treating them. Pharmaceutical lobbyists.  Anyone who partners with these people in an effort to suppress the truth.  These are the true enemies of our children.

But, how does one keep that righteous anger and focus it appropriately without it spilling over into daily life; when daily life, with or without autism, corruption and collusion, is terribly stressful already?

It was time for me to get myself straight. I needed to focus that energy, that anger, effectively so I could be a vehicle for change.  At my core, I want to be a conduit of justice for our children.

(Please don’t leave me here, this part is gonna hurt)

I decided I had some work to do.  I recalled the phrase, apathy, not hate, is the opposite of love.

I had to admit that I hated my enemies but that that hate was impossible to contain.  So, I made the decision to forgive them.  Not in some talk show pop psychology way. Real resolution does not take place on a stage in a studio.

Real resolution is long, hard work.

It means letting go of that family member who takes every opportunity to tell you that despite all the money and time you’ve invested in your child’s recovery, it doesn’t seem to be doing much.

It means releasing the overbearing friend from college who comments on your posts, “I hope your reckless attitude toward vaccination doesn’t kill someone. Get a clue.”

Freeing yourself from the scorn of the check-out person at your local grocery store who admonishes, “Could you please control your child? This is a place of business.”

Hoping good things for the Districit Rep who recites, “I’ve told you now many times Mrs. Smith, Johnny is not entitled to the Cadillac under the provisions of free and appropriate.  He is lucky to get the Versa.”

I am not saying we have to love them.  I am saying hating them gives them power over us.  I am also not claiming apathy is the answer.  I think somewhere in between, the work that needs to be done is called forgiveness.

To be effective and move forward for our children, we have to forgive the father/husband who took off and never came back.  The wife who did the same. The grandparents who refuse to see their “poorly behaved” grandchild.  The sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who do not come around anymore.  The government that continues to allow this to happen. The powerful media moguls with a vested interest who make it impossible for the truth to be told.  A congress that remains silent while in full possession of the facts. A vaccine court that victimizes devastated families yet once again.  The doctors who did this to our children.  The nurses who injected them.


We must do this because that righteous anger we feel spills over.  It becomes a part of our everyday dynamic, our way of being in the world.  And this is what the outside world sees.  They do not see the overpowering love we have for our children that is transforming them and eradicating their illness.  Nor the mountains we have moved as parents to heal them and the profound friendships we have developed as the result of what we have endured.

They see our anger.

When we try to control that anger, instead of genuinely releasing it, it leads to the politically correct term, tolerance. Tolerance is just another word for socially acceptable while privately monstrous.  Tolerance is practiced by mean girls who pretend to friend a new girl who is a bit awkward and then post pictures of the back of her head all over their facebook pages with the caption, “Gross.  Look at her hair? She gweebs me out.”  It’s fake.  Inauthentic.  Disingenuous.   I was tolerant of the pageant mom.   She was loving and forgiving to me.

And it changed me.

I suspect I’ve lost a few of you and that is to be expected.  The comfort of perpetual anger is much stronger than the yet unproven promise of hope.  That’s how and why so many of us stay stuck.  I do not want to stay stuck.  I want recovery for my child and for yours.  I want to prevent what happened to my son from happening to others.  I want all babies to be given a chance at life.  Even the babies with parents who curse my name and those who simply do not care to educate themselves.  All of those kids deserve a chance.  Their parents’ ignorance is not their fault.  My ignorance was not Noah’s fault.

Someone has to take a stand.  The high road.  That someone has to be us.

It is hard.  If you pray, pray for an open heart to forgive.  If you intend, imagine forgiveness.  If you smoke a bowl and drink a 40, toke one up and pour one out for your enemy as though they were your homey. Do not walk another day on this earth believing lies about good and decent people as I have been doing.  Do not hate the victims, or form false opinions of people because you need a target for your rage.  The real enemy will be brought to justice if we continue in good faith, united.  Forgiving them does not mean we lose our convictions.  It simply means we’ve rendered them powerless over us.  The precious energy we spent stewing in our own misery and questioning our every move and everyone else’s can now be spent on clearly devising a plan of RECOVERY and justice.



Let’s look at my plate again with this revised perspective:

I gave birth to a beautiful little boy by the name of Noah Patrick Goes in September of 2006.  Who, despite his many health and behavioral challenges, is the love of our lives alongside his neurotypical sibs. Watching my husband learn to care for him has helped me to love and respect him even more deeply.  We are stronger and kinder to each other and better parents as a result of what we must do to keep our family together, healthy and safe.

I took him in for every single childhood vaccination early or on-time, according to the CDC’s recommendations.  I did not know better.  I did what I was told was in the best interest of my baby.  Condemning myself day in and day out would be like spanking a child who is potty training for not making it to the toilet on time. AT THAT TIME I did the best I could with what I knew.  Now I know better. I can do better.

Over the course of the first 12 months of his life he descended into the darkness of multiple auto-immune illnesses which were undetected by physicians, then mislabeled as autism months later.  Many children die after the sort of auto-immune insult he endured and it is labeled SIDS. Yes, he is very sick. But he is ALIVE.  I can hug and kiss him and smell his hair and wash his little hands. With help, I can heal him. 

He now has mitochondrial disease. I am surrounded by educated, brilliant and medically savvy  THINKING Moms and Dads who know how to treat it. Because of them I finally found the right doctors who get it and are willing to do the work.  Recovery is possible.

He has bowel disease so severe I will be taking him out of school for 90 days to micromanage his incredibly limited diet and administer medications at precise intervals to repair the extensive damage done as the result of my faithfulness and obedience to the CDC and the herd.  I found a doctor who IDENTIFIED his bowel disease!  It is fixable. And because I share Noah’s story, maybe more parents will call their local papers and share their stories. Maybe more people will have the courage to speak and the CDC will be forced to answer for what they’ve done.

My responsibilities moving forward are as follows:

  • Manage the schedules, expectations and lifestyles of Noah’s two neurotypical siblings while managing his violent and erratic behavior as he enters biochemical withdrawal and his body heals itself.  Three days a week I will have help with this.  I can formulate a plan. This can be done.  We did it when we went off gluten and casein, we did it when we killed yeast. We can do it again.
  • Keep ALL of my children safe at all times. I’ve been doing this since he got sick. I have no reason to believe I cannot continue to do so.
  • Coordinate Noah’s medical, biomedical and dietary interventions in tandem with his cross-country care with multiple research physicians, ensuring the protocol of one does not interfere with the other.  Doctors do not do this, nor do pharmacists. I will research the drugs and supplements.  I will read the studies on each of them.  I will investigate doses and conflicts.  I will take copious notes and refer to them as new drugs/supplements are added or removed. I will read the history and development of each drug/protocol.  I will talk to others who have done the same. I will critically evaluate the pros and cons.  Doing this is what led me to the physicians, specialists  and parents who have helped him. I have a sense of purpose and intention about my life that previously did not exist. I know that sounds hokey, but, it’s true. Because it is hard, does not mean it is not worth doing.
  • Defend every decision I make to the everyday doctors whom I must rely upon to carry out the orders of the research physicians.  Because I simply cannot afford to fly to a research hospital every time Noah needs a particular treatment, so, I must do this.  It is not a choice if I want this child to get better.  Amazing things happen when I reach that one person who actually listens!!  That one doctor who hears me, stays in touch, alters the way he practices medicine because we took the time to share information? Many mainstream doctors are catching on.  They need to know the parenting community supports them. I can be a part of this.
  • Stand calmly in the face of public scorn, tolerate name calling and insults hurled at my family (and my fellow thinkers) with a dignified smile on my face.  Stating over and over again, “I understand you do not care for me, however, kind sirs and madams…I ask that you please READ the science and the explanation provided by the ordering physicians. I am a part of something so much bigger than me, than Noah, than any of us.  This is truly a REVOLUTION which will lead to lasting permanent change.  I get to come down on the RIGHT side.  The side of justice.  Also, it’s not just me.  All my fellow thinkers endure this harassment and judgment as a part of their everyday lives.  It is an honor and a privilege to walk alongside these revolutionaries and follow in the footsteps of our learned veterans.
  • While managing this chaos, I have to not go apeshiz on the random jackleg teenagers loitering at Starbuck’s saying things like, “You are out of soy milk! For real?  I wanted a soy chai. Whatever, I’ll get a macchiato…FML.”  Eye roll. Hip thrust. Lip curl. My daughter, despite my best efforts, may behave like this young lady at some point in her life.

Love, hope, forgiveness.  

I love my son, Noah. I do not want my anger to take me from him another moment. I want my love for him and my passion for justice to override everything else. I want to be effective and move forward with every breath I take. I know you know this love and you live this passion. If we all come together, if we all lay our anger down and we FOCUS, we will achieve justice and healing for ALL our children.  For our nation.  For the world.  Please, THINK about it.

LOVE, The Rev

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34 Responses to Pageant Mom

  1. Hayz says:

    Beautiful. Thankyou. I am with you!

  2. kate says:

    I’ve always advocated informed active parenting..

  3. Pingback: Pageant Mom | The Thinking Moms’ Revolution | ChronicFatigue Fibromyalgia

  4. cia parker says:

    A commenter here accurately observed that it is fear of disease that makes people vaccinate, themselves or their children. I think it’s important that we speak up when we see situations like those mentioned, parents vacillating about whether to vaccinate, a nurse telling a mother she’ll have to get her child all the vaccines again if she can’t produce the vaccine records. We need to put up a wall of fear of vaccine damage as tall and strong as the facing wall of fear of disease across from it. I told the nurses who took my blood at the Red Cross about my daughter’s autism from vaccine damage, and each had a story to tell about vaccine damage in her own family. One said that you had to get the shots to enroll in school, and I told her that wasn’t true, you could take a religious exemption, as I had done. I am exhausted from my own vaccine damage, MS and mitochondrial damage, and, God forgive me, my anger is the only thing animating me. I tell everyone, and don’t worry about minding my own business. I might save a child from permanent damage by butting in. At the least, my remark will remain in their mind, to be joined in the future by information from magazines, the Internet, friends, and when the critical mass is reached, their mind will change, and they will realize the truth and act on it. Or maybe, if they get the shots anyway and the child is damaged, the parent will be quicker to put two and two together and seek out effective treatment.

    This was a beautiful, spiritual article, but I’m sorry to say I just can’t forgive.

    • kate says:

      As a mom of several kids including multiples.. And an R.N. Well read on all sides of the vacination issues..I have no children that had side effects from vaccines. To get into nursing school or medical school it is a requirement to get “innoculated” everything except tropical diseases and things not* indiginous to the west.
      The only thing my kids did Not receive was small pox..and at the time I took my first child to Europe we still needed a docs note to exempt him. It was officially catagorized as “wiped out” by the CDC in Atlanta..there are however still about four(4) cases a year world wide. The trend to vacinate babies and toddlers all at once* hitting them them with massive doses of vacinnes and diluent ( where the preservatives are) should be Radically re evaluated . In my career I’ve seen days of febrile reactions in babies and toddlers vaccinated with “everything at once”
      We spread our childrens vaccinations out over age appropriate time lines..they were not in danger of hep 1/2/3c in our home..when they went to preschool they had received measels/ measels and mumps/ by the time the eldest was entering junior Hi..a measels outbreak occured..- I worry that very young children who are “not being breast fed” ( receiving passive immunity) are being given measels when they do not live in a high risk household.
      When they arrive to teenagers much of the protection provided ( also passive in an innoculation)/ the antibodies reduce over time) we may face a generation of young mothers who become ill themselves..
      Let’s just focus on how* not why* a moment. People ( the elderly / immunosuppressed/ and young children Are at High risk for All contageous diseases.) Look what happened to Our Native Americans when given contaminated blankets as a gester of “good will” genocide…The ppl from Spain unwittingly almost wiped out central american’s after* they left one one steal gold..small pox/ measals/ killed almost 25million Aztecs.
      These are Not harmless “cold bugs” ..Yes it bothered me to give my kids Hep 3..the choices were insulate her from public school where some children sadly live in target rich envirnments…but eventually she needs to go to a grocery store..a mall..etc. Spreading out the innoculations over pre school years..appears to be a viable answer..
      I have not read about mitochondrial ( maternal dna) mutations occuring in only vaccinated populations. I worked with immuno-suppressed patients ( hospice and elesewhere) I made sure I went ahead and got pneumovax..and my own hep titers reviewed..
      Read up on what innoculations are given/ then look up what can happen if you or your child contracts the disease…the worst offender in vaccine suspenstions have been removed..Even Vets need to take a HARD took at clusttered vacinations of animals..I left my mature dog all day ( alone / last time that happens) to have all the tests..and make sure she was healthy..a large poster on the wall stated that dogs Only needed the Parvo Vaccine up to 6 months of age..not as an adult if once vacinated..I specifically ask they NOT give my dog anything but rabies and one other periodic vaccination..when I picked her up..she was “sedated”?? They had given her ” everything in a few short hours”
      Over the next few months she dropped 2/3rds of her muscle mass…became very weak..the vet ( blew my mind) telling me she thought my dog had myosenia gravis ( Aristotle Osnasses died of it) 44he wanted me to take the 6 year old dog for and MRI and Neuro tests to diagnosis myostenia gravis…PLEASE..I said “I didn’t know they had a cure for MG yet”?
      ( They don’t palliatve care only) We supported her at home ..she lived to be well over 13 yrs old and almost gained back all of her strength in 3 yrs following her innoculation OD….all other pets ( including her) had received spaced out and appropriate vaccinations..
      My daughter and son in law had to sign wavers to get their baby out of the hospital with out hep a..or anything else..I’ve wactched 3 generations (including my own) be vaccinated now….the most glaring difference and rise is morbidity occures when children receive too much to fast too soon…balance is is not all or nothing..plenty of docs ( are willing to write to delay vaccinations) if and when they become relevant..flu..can be given .01 cc intradermally to achieve the same protection..demand is not a live it cannot give us “the flu” but side effects are eliminated * when 1/10th of the I’m dose is given Interadermally…when they ran low on N1H1 the gov taught ppl how to give proper I.D. Innoculations to cover all who did want it…( My Informed Vote is innoculate according to age and Envirnment..and space all of them out..inform your self on what getting the “real” illness can do..(Measels/ blindness/ death etc) forgive my dyslexia..( Not a side efffect of anything but my mothers pre eclampsia if anything)

  5. Theresa says:

    You had me at forgiveness. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is a choice and process to regain our thoughts and feelings. Forgiveness allows us to empathize where empathy is not deserved. Amazing transformation. Amazing post. Walking with you on this journey. Fellow Thinker!

  6. Thinkingmominthedesert says:

    AfreakingMEN!!! This was excellent!

    That initial feeling of anger at first can be beneficial. For me, it was like a kickstarter adding fuel to the fire, leading to a burst of energy that got us moving in the right direction. But. . .BUT. . .at some point u have to let cruise control takeover.

    Most of my anger was toward the pediatrician. The nurses? I don’t have the slightest clue what they even looked like. What I DO remember though, CLEAR AS F&€$ING DAY, is the cocky-a$$ look on the man’s face, the condescending attitude, the vibes of annoyance his body stance gave and the dismissive tone in his voice as he replied to my concerns during our 12mo ‘well-visit’. My best friend (a speech therapist working w ASD kids) who decided against the MMR (&other shots) for her own son had forewarned me. So I questioned the schmuck. This is the response I got:
    “Oh please, don’t listen to whoever told u the MMR is linked to autism. It is absolutely not true. Vaccines are 100% safe and by vaccinating your son according to the schedule, u would be with the majority of my patients. Im sure u want to be included in the majority. Most parents, u know, want to protect their babies from harmful diseases. Don’t u? Listen here, I’m 100% positive he will NOT get autism OK. *chuckle chuckle* ”

    That last sentence has haunted me like a ghost for the past 6yrs. I’ve woken up in cold sweats from nightmares. My own OCD has reached out of control proportions. That man has caused me so much pain by choosing to use those words in that sentence. I was really mad at him for a long time. (Later, mad at the CDC, FDA, USDA, GOVT, ETC. . .) But most of my anger was toward him in particular. He has been cursed by me with every derogotory name u cld possibly imagine. Ive made sure other parents in the area this practice is located in DO NOT go to him. Ive given him anonymous bad reviews on those MD search websites. Ive badmouthed him to other doctors. U know how many times, in the beginning, I had to talk my husband out of wanting to drive there & punch the rat bastard in the face. Then, my dear sweet brainstorming husband, he’d suggest other more subtle forms of destruction, payback & sabotage, all far from within the realms of legality. BC anger+messing wit da kids=rage

    The biggest force behind my own (&my family’s) healing of this atrocity was moving 3,000 miles away. Out of sight, out of mind. Most ppl won’t be able to do this, I know. But living somewhere else far, far away from where it all happened is huge & it has def helped me most to focus solely on recovery. I wouldn’t say I have forgiven the prick. The way I see it, I don’t have to forgive him. Forgiveness is neither warranted nor would it even help me anyway. He is neither family nor friend. He played a role in my son’s past and he DOES NOT get to be a part of present &/or future. NOT EVEN IN THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD!!!
    And that’s what I realized. I didn’t need to FORGIVE and I sure as HELL will NEVER EVER FORGET!!!! But, what I did need to do was MOVE ON. I had to GET OVER IT ALL. I had to MAKE PEACE WITH WHAT HAPPENED to truly move onward & upward. I decided it was time to LET IT GO! Just let it go!! Let. It. Go.

    I wish for all of u- the strength to LET IT GO 🙂

    PS: LMAO @ “If you smoke a bowl and drink a 40, toke one up and pour one out for your enemy as though they were your homey.” Hahaha Hey, whatever works! Lol
    PSS: Music has really become a healer for me too. I have a “F$€K YOU” playlist on my iPhone. Intended for, well, u know. I recommend loud singing while driving. Tension releaser for sure. I also have a “Journey to recovery” playlist that has all my inspiring &motivating songs that are for, to & about my son. Of course, Hoobastank ‘The Reason’ is one of the first songs I added. It’s pretty incredible that my son, who used to be quietly oblivious to any&all music playing, now voices his opinion on each song.
    When ‘The Reason’ comes on, he always says “I love this song. I love it.” 🙂

  7. Diana Gonzales says:

    Beautiful Soul, you amaze me and I knew your anger was temporary. You may have lost a few but those who truly understand that kind of anger would never desert you. As you said forgive or the rage consumes you. Take comfort that WE are passing this info on and saving children. <3

  8. KFuller says:

    You are coming full circle. In the front is the never ending battle cry of…I WANT SOMEONE PUNISHED. But knowing that we have to move forward to heal our child, get them educated and not let the medical establishment make them worse.
    The love for your child and all of our children is written all over your writing. I thank you for that.

  9. Professor says:

    One quick question for my very dear friend The Rev: deep down inside do you honestly think that you wouldn’t do everything you do for Noah and the rest of the children in the country if you weren’t angry? I don’t. The woman I know is an amazing and articulate advocate for children and I believe she is capable of doing that even without being goosed by anger. She might even be able to do more . . .

  10. Gabrielle says:

    Something Ha-funny happened to me today. And all I could think was about you thinking moms.
    I gave my friend and her son a ride to her pediatrician. Her car broke down.
    While waiting at the reception area with my son a lady walks in with three kids. I continue showing my son his book when all of a sudden my ears become huge like in the cartoons. The lady said vaccines.

    She told the receptionist that she had just moved from another state and had lost the yellow immunization card from her state. She only has her own personal records and the doctor in the other state couldn’t get her an official copy…flooding issues.
    The receptionist says that the nurse would have to see her records to make sure they comply with this state’s law. Otherwise the child would have to get ALL the shots AGAIN.

    Really? I felt like standing up and telling the lady that she didn’t need shots to enroll her kids in school. Oh I was so mad…BUT like you said some people just want to go with the flow. It’s easier, less of a hassle. Research, no time… too busy…etc,etc.

    I just held my son closer to me and gave him a huge hug and kiss. And I whispered to him..”this momma has a huge burning flame inside of her ready to fight the corporate hippopotamus. You will not be a part of the crowd”
    Thanks thinking moms for adding wood to my fire.

  11. Lindsey says:

    Powerful and something I’ve been wrestling with the past few months… anger at a best friend who abandoned me emotionally because to hear on the phone what’s going on in our lives makes her “sad for the rest of the day” so she doesn’t call anymore. Anger at the injustice done our children… but anger doesn’t heal. It robs us of our ability to step forward in love and let that love overflow into our children’s recovery and our family’s recovery as well.

    Bitterness and anger are hardest on the person who carries it around. We can’t afford any extra difficulties. We deserve better and so do our children. Living love, bridging the gap, speaking truth, fighting for justice – these are the ways we will save other families from our current circumstances and recover our own.

  12. zesar says:

    fist of all yes anger will harm your health and your kids need a healthy mother 🙂
    I just listen to the talk and i would like to encourage you to keep on educating people with your knowledge even if they decide to go on and vaccinate anyways. I know how frustrating this is. Although I made my decision not to vaccinate my child already during pregnancy I kept on reading and reading, listening and listening about this topic whereas i could just set back and not bother. It just makes me so upset to see what is being done to babies and children because parents are not well informed. So we need to continue and keep informing people. Same as you I have talked and informed a lot just to hear in the end they decided to give the child the vaccines. i lent a book in english to my friend and one in french to her husband. he didnt read it because he doesnt believe what is said in a book. she said she read it but she didnt know why her daughter had a high pitch screaming after the dtp shot and nothing couldnt calm her. she didnt read the book i knew then and also many other things she said were givin me the sign she had no clue. her husband asked me if it also happened to my son who is just 2 months older then their daughter. they thought it might be the teething. in my thoughts i gave him a big punch in his face but in reality i just said “no didnt happen to him”. i asked my husband for help to talk to some sense into him but he said you cant talk to people who refuse to read a book and they can do whatever they want with their daughter. it breaks my heart because with every visit i see her more aggressive and restless. Another friend – her child alreday had some shots before we talked. she was happy she didnt get the flu shot but still decided later to give the polio shot to her child and when she moved to germany she said they are some which are mandatory. now… i grew up in germany and i know it is not true and this was only said to make me shut up.

    i know now that the decision to go head and give the shots is made out of fear. period. we are selfish and dont care about the herd or potentially harming ppl who cant be vaccinated. that’s just arguments to convince others but never for us. our own health decision we make based on fear. i truely believe this and see it around me.

    I would like to know how we can take this fear from them which seems to have already roots in our DNA.

  13. Suzanne Burrall says:

    This is universally helpful, as part of a daily strategy for us all… artfully composed. When you have a moment, author, consider professional writing for newspaper, magazines, inspirational articles with widespread circulation.

  14. Stephanie says:

    Beautifully done Rev. Just beautiful.

  15. Carolyn Gammicchia says:

    Thank you Rev and so glad this transpired for you.

    Being angry can be good, however using that emotion to move forward and leave behind the negative is essential. Hopefully folks can do so, let go, and use that energy to effect change. We need to. Let’s get this done!

  16. bobbi wickman says:

    This is beautifully written, too far have we let anger towards others get the best of us its so easy to judge without knowing. I know the feeling all being pregnant and wanting to judge the doctors before we even went to our appointments and i ended up with a water birth all natural just like we wanted.

  17. Cindy W says:

    I wrestle with this so much — wanting to inform and do what I do out of love vs. being angry and simply tolerating. Thank you for putting it bluntly and eloquently into words, for including the link to the Linderman Unleashed radio program, and for including The Reason, my favorite Hoobastank song, that touched my heart the first time I heard it for the same exact reason you included it here.

  18. Joanna McGowan says:

    I have struggled with this so much. Our lives require us to use our anger so much that it is hard to turn it off. I truly believe that my anger is a hindrance to recovery. I need to want it for soley pure reasons. When I visualize recovery, it has to be about our healthy, happy life and giving back to others. I need to take out the part about shoving it in the faces of the haters and the doubters. I KNOW this, but it doesn’t make it easy to do… thanks for this xoxo

    • Thinkingmominthedesert says:

      Yes! It’s true, our lives require us to use our anger a lot. It is hard to shut it off & it does infiltrate other aspects of life. Looking back, I can tell u, with certainty- that the anger IS a hindrance to recovery. Find a way to release that anger on a regular basis so that when you’re in recovery mode, the focus is only on seeing what their future looks like. It takes time. Knowing what u have to do though, is half the battle. So, technically, u are almost there. 🙂

  19. Lesa W says:

    That anger thing, for me, is like a living rollercoaster! Your son was born 2006; mine son Kyle was born in ’92. We believe our son’s vaccine injury involves antibiotic usage, and, on a bad day, that anger can almost eat me alive because I did question whether it was OK to vaccinate and when they said yes, I didn’t listen to my instincts, but turned into a lemming ~ not once, but twice! It rears it’s ugly head when I least expect it: at his Communion, Confirmation, or Graduation or getting Math or the first tine he read me a story etc. because it’s almost impossible to not let those “I wonder what he’d be like if this had ‘t happened to him” thoughts slip in to your mind! That’s when I make myself focus on the “good stuff”, the “holy crap, we NEVER, ever thiught he’d be able to do this” accomplishments and they melt my anger into a puddle. Years ago, I found an old badminton racquet and pillow @ Goodwill and lots of cheap glasses and mugs. When the anger and/or frustration would rise to a point of danger, I’d go up in the attic and beat the sh*t out if that pillow. I have a friend who smashes eggs in the middle of her road at night! My husband closed off a little 4×4 section in our old backyard and we used it to slam the glasses and mugs (w/safety glasses on). For some reason, breaking crap just let us unleash it! If we didn’t find a way to handle it, Kyle wouldn’t be where he us today. He still has Autism, but he’s significantly recovered! When Kyle was 6, he was untestable, severly limited verbal skills, suffered from AED (Ass Eating Diarrhea) and we were advised to institutionalize him! In about 30 minutes, I’ll be heading into the Math Lab at FSCJ to tutor him in Algebra because he’s now a Freshman in college! I loved this piece. It had honesty and integrity! You can’t love everyone in the Land of Autism, but we must be civil and respectful and try mightily to resist being judgemental. I hope you don’t mind my sharing what helped Kyle’s intestinal issues: IVIG, Nystatin Powder Caps ( veggie caps compounded by a pharmacy to make it easier for the Nystatin to get into all the nooks and crannies) abd Aloe Vera Juice twice a day! Wishing you the best!

  20. Twyla says:

    re: “I am saying hating them gives them power over us.”
    I think also that when we give people power over our emotions we become more angry. So if someone makes a comment that is disparaging towards us or our child or the choices we have made, we can either allow that comment to make us feel bad about ourselves, our children, our choices, or we can feel strong in ourselves and know that person has different experiences which do not allow them to see things our way. If that person experienced vaccine injury, s/he would see vaccines differently. If that person had an autistic child, s/he would understand what it’s like. If that person were smarter and more empathetic, maybe s/he would understand even without having had the same experiences. Or maybe that person makes some valid points that we could learn from, which doesn’t mean that we are failures. In any case, my self esteem and love/pride for my child are not in that person’s control. If I don’t hand over control, I don’t get so angry or upset.

    I don’t forgive the people who are responsible for this fiasco, who have covered up information that could prevent harm to children; who have refused to listen to “anecdotal” reports and take them seriously, investigate them, study the children; who have been close minded to alternative medicine; and/or who have been corrupted by money. All of this is unforgivable. At the same time, as you point out so well, walking around with anger that destroys ourselves and colors/distorts our experiences is unfortunate.

    There is an odd yin and yang with anger. On the one hand, suppression of anger can cause a host of problems including depression. We have to let it all out sometimes. And anger can be energizing and motivating. Yet there needs to be a balance, and constantly living in anger isn’t good for anyone.

    re: “When carrying this massive burden, it gets harder and harder to stay focused on the real enemies. ”
    This is so important, and I feel like lately I have seen more infighting within our community, where for example someone will post about a planned course of action and someone else will say, “What a waste of time and money – you should do this other thing instead.” There are so many different ways of taking action, and none by itself is going to change the world, but altogether various kinds of action (advocacy, political action, research, letters to the editor and more) can have an effect.

  21. Sarah says:

    Incredibly beautiful. I realized a while ago that it is not individuals responsible for this mess, it is the force of evil in the world. Satan, the devil, darkness, evil, whatever you want to call it. It has always existed and it is diabolical. What is more evil than making children sick? Evil is cunning and attractive and the weak will succumb. Only light can drive out the darkness. It is not easy, but we have to shine the light.

    • Thinkingmominthedesert says:

      I totally agree. I realized this too at some point during my son’s journey towards recovery. Needless to say, it was infact a transformational point FOR ME and as a result of my change in attitude, my son’s progress increased tenfold.

  22. Jeannette Perry says:

    Please stop the $&@ Facebook ad from popping up where I am trying to read. It is quite annoying, and detracts from an otherwise peaceful moment. Thank you from someone who does Not “like” Facebook.

  23. BB says:

    Oh yeah, I heard that sisata!
    This is a hard and painful life that our children and families live.
    I pray for God’s mercy and grace every single second of each and every day.
    May RECOVERY and JUSTICE be the prize for all who suffer and struggle,
    from whatever it is that has stolen from them the best life possible,
    as God intended for ALL of his children.Amen!

  24. Gayle Provost says:

    Beautiful! I’m crying! THANK-YOU for sharing this.

  25. Tara says:

    Thank you.

  26. Amen Rev! Here is to hope and healing….
    and more positives than negatives throughout the rest of your journey with Noah and your family.

  27. Mac says:

    Beautifully written and such a great reminder that bitterness and anger only hurt us in the end. Keep up the fight and stay strong. I know it’s hard but what a gift to be able to see how all of your hard work heals and improves your son day by day. Take it a step further and share your knowledge and see the 100’s you have helped heal by this precious information that you now possess.

  28. Saint says:

    Powerful. Simply powerful. You never cease to amaze me and I love you <3

  29. Gilded Thinker says:

    Wow, Rev…such a powerful blog. Thank you, once again, for your raw honesty.
    The anger is tough. Much of the time I feel like mine is a sleeping dragon. For the most part, that dragon snoozes deep withing his cave, unbeknownst to the often clueless hoards around me. But when I see yet another child slipping into the abyss, happily assisted by greedy, overzealous doctors or I’m confronted by some small joy of childhood that my son either can’t yet enjoy or is now enjoying four years later than he should have, the dragon stirs. Just a little.
    I’m still working on completely channeling that anger into action. Most days I do pretty well. Some days, not so much. We, like our injured kids, are works in progress. Each day we become stronger.

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