So several weeks ago I challenged all of you, and myself, to take a good look at ourselves and make some serious lifestyle changes. How’s it going for you? Please friend me on Facebook at Lisa Joyce Goes so we can compare notes and talk about our progress!
Here’s my update. For starters, losing weight and taking care of yourself at 41 looks A LOT different than it does at 28, which was the last time I did something this drastic. It appears a body that recognizes coffee and “corn sugar” as actual food groups does not respond well to their removal. I’ve been sick, overwhelmed, surprisingly exhausted and full of rage. Not the feel-good post you were anticipating? Yeah, me either.
By day five, it became abundantly clear to me why I have been doing this to my body for so long. The practice of overeating is very much like administering anesthesia. I have been numbing myself to the reality of my life. I’m guessing many of you would argue that, saying I am very much in touch with my reality given my candid posts and articles. Alas, sitting at a computer and hammering out sentence after sentence about our medically misunderstood and politically suppressed children does nothing to help me personally address my own situation. It helps me process the massive quantities of data I read. It helps me determine what the next course of action is for us in healing Noah and advocating for his cause. But, while I allowed the thoughts and sentences to flow through me, the background dialogue was suppressed. From a biochemical perspective I was perpetually digesting!! As absurd as it sounds, it is the honest truth. Overeating (smoking, drinking, insert vice here) is avoidance behavior at its finest.
But, before I talk about now, let us go, for just a moment, back to then. Twenty-eight. Ahhhh. The last time I did this, it was an entirely different situation. Sex in the City was just taking off.
Weekend adventures entailed a car, the (fabulous) clothes on my back and friends. My career in technical recruiting was more lucrative than I could have ever imagined. This time in my life was defined by hard work, action-packed evenings and weekends (work hard, play harder!), and the belief that I could do anything. In fact, I once had a colleague accuse me of unnecessary happiness. “What are you so happy about all the time? It’s annoying” he sneered. “What is there to be unhappy about?” I smiled back.
That was 28.
This is 41. You know what happens when you quit GMOs and gluten after 41 years? I know lots of you are accustomed to talking poop on a regular basis but these few details of my life I must keep private. Suffice it to say… I am not well. Not well at all. Physically. Emotionally. Biochemically. Not. Well. The first time around, a nutritionist friend told me that I might experience intense emotions as I regained my health and wellness as oftentimes, the eating (smoking, drinking, insert vice here…) is a way of stuffing what really ails you on a psychosomatic/spiritual level. This did happen. I had to do some digging, some forgiving, and I had to take responsibility for some poor choices. It was a painful but exonerating process. I came out on the other side light, free and ready to take on the world.
So. 41. Lil’ diff.
For those of you who may not know, my son Noah has medical A.U.T.I.S.M.
A : Auto-immune compromise and adrenal failure (caused by the iatrogenic introduction of pathogens heavy metals and a variety of toxic adjuvants)
U: Undetected bowel disease. He suffers painful perforations in his intestines that allow parasites to flourish and cause yellow clostridia discharge resulting in up to 20 diarrhea filled diapers a day. Mainstream pediatricians call it “toddler diarrhea”.
T: Titers that reveal excessive antibody production for varicella, measles and rubella as well as a complete lack of immunity to polio (despite full vaccination). Coincidentally, these strange variations are the unfortunate side effect of bypassing the TH1 factor; assumed “immunity” manifests differently in every kid. So vaccines work for some kids, for some diseases — not for all kids and not for all diseases.
I: IgG and IgE food sensitivities. Hypersensitivity to casein (all dairy except buffalo cheese and duck eggs), all bread/starch products, corn (corn sugar, corn syrup, corn everything), most red fruits and vegetables. Dietary infractions result in vomiting, diarrhea and dermatological eruptions (severe atopic eczema that covers his entire body).
S: Sensory integration disorder (caused by central nervous system and neurological damage.
M: Metabolic and methylation failure as the result of mitochondrial disease — a disease caused by environmental impetus — most commonly, but not always, vaccination.
These days I don’t have folks walking up to me asking me why I’m so happy all the time. People who talk to me are usually incredibly stressed out and confused as they are the parents of recently diagnosed children. Sometimes they are propagandists trying to stop me from telling my story because, when you do the work, you find the medical and political roots of autism are the part of the story no one is telling (because they are afraid). The more I talk, the clearer it becomes that the authors of this epidemic know all too well how to stop it. But, they choose not to. In the words of Supreme Court Justice Scalia, (who has no training, background or expertise in medical science) the state of preventative medicine is, “unavoidably unsafe.” If only they would tell parents the truth about this instead of calling vaccine injury “rare”. Rare means rarely reported, rarely caught, and most often misdiagnosed as autism, seizure disorder or auto-inflammatory illness.
So given my son’s debilitating and painful chronic illness, the great and overwhelming sacrifice of his siblings, our family’s perpetual struggle to alleviate his suffering, my happiness has dissipated. Right now, without the cushion of food (smoking, drinking, insert vice here… ) I am living in what I call, the void. The void is a temporary, painful, gray place where meaning and purpose are hard to discern. I have hope for our son and for our family, but… So much of what has to happen to get him better falls on my shoulders. I’m a shopper, not a doctor. Instead of escaping reality with Sex In The City, I now watch my real life friends testify before unenlightened government officials about vaccine injury. I take notes for when my turn will come.
Instead of whimsical weekend getaways I attend conferences on human rights, medical freedom, and healthcare reform. Instead of a fat paycheck, I generate about 100 bones every time a print magazine wants to pick up an extremely, EXTREMELY watered down version of my work. The hard stuff (you know with all the medical realities, facts and statistics) I do for free while I plan trips to see research physicians, plot out new protocols with Noah’s medical team, spend hours on the phone with specialists around the world, and drive my son to and from all his therapeutic appointments. With the absence of my anesthesia I have discovered I am incredibly tired. Exhausted. Depressed. Very, very sad.
I have never written about my son’s reaction to his 12-month vaccinations and I do not think I ever will. Yet, since giving up my cushion I awake often remembering every moment, conversation, smell and detail of that day. Every grunt. Every cry. Every scream. Without food to soothe me, I take showers at 2:00 in the morning to recalibrate my mind. I end up sitting on the shower floor, sobbing. But, bread (which is my true vice, not smoking, not drinking, not “insert vice here”) will not take this away. It. Will. Not. It will delay me. It will numb me. It will help me zone out. It will give me something (short term) to look forward to. It will give my mouth something to do besides scream. It will also:
Exacerbate my asthma, distract me from my children, make me fat, harm my immune system (seriously, read about the ingredients in “enriched” bread), take away my sex drive, dull my complexion, age me prematurely, and make me tired when I need energy the most.
A wise friend who recovered her child visited me today. I asked for her guidance. “I pray and pray” I told her. “I know the Light. But, I cannot seem to stop writing about the dark.” She replied, “Because to ignore the dark would be really stupid. To let this injustice pass, to glaze over it, would be wrong. It is all around us.” She looked out my kitchen window toward the lake where children were playing. “I look out there and I see sick children. I know they are sick. Their parents don’t know what we know. If we tried to tell them they would think we were crazy–auto-immune, diabetes, juvenile arthritis, autism—caused by doctors? Caused by food and medicine? To look away would be criminal. You have to keep telling the truth until you are heard.”
Her words were like fresh rain for my parched and sickly, but hopeful, soul. She helped remind me that suffering, as much as our culture resists it, is necessary and integral. It is a condition of being for those who seek justice. For this reason, I hope to condition myself to seek and crave clarity in the same way I seek anesthesia. I have to be honest with you though. Right now, I am not there. If you offered me a loaf of crusty French bread, a wedge of gouda and a glass of wine I would kiss you full on the lips, run into my closet-sized laundry room with a portable DVD player equipped with the Baryshnikov episodes of Sex in The City and nosh until the whole load was a memory. That’s what I would do now. That’s why you won’t find those things in my house. But, I will get there. Because I know hope. Camaraderie. The collective and awesome power of a small vocal minority. I know this pain has an end. I know there is a Light at the end of this tunnel. As much as I know autism parents HATE hearing this… YOU were… chosen. I was chosen. We were all chosen to heal our children and heal our nation. Together. United. Defeat your vice and find YOUR VOICE! It’s there. It’s valuable. WE NEED YOU! And so do our children!
Love Love Love, LJ Goes (The Rev)
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LJ,
We were on vacation and I read this on my phone. Wow I was a technical recruiter as well. We seem to have a lot in common. I too am working on getting my health back. I had a crazy reaction going off gluten, it was crazy. My adrenals are shot from years of recruiting and also having to take care of a child with many issues. Thank you for your inspiration with this blog, it is nice to go through getting your health back with someone who understands and has a similar background. I look forward to more posts from you as I get my health back in order too. Thank you for being an inspiration and telling it like it is!
Andrea
Network news reported this week that lots of people who’ve undergone bariatric surgery to alleviate obesity have become alcoholics. The broadcaster implied oddly that heavy drinking was a “side effect” of the surgery. Didn’t occur to him or the newswriters that reducing stomach volume does not address anxiety triggers and the dysfunctional coping mechanisms people adopt over the years. Tricky stuff. Writing does help vent a lot of the dark, depressing and dangerous cavorting in our craniums, but it entails sitting. Maybe a punching bag is what folks need most.
The Dr Oz Show website has terrific dietary recommendations conducive to good health and well being based on cutting edge science. You shouldn’t be sufferring!
Check it out.
LJ-you are the best writer I know, bar none-when it comes to describing this catastrophe called Autism. I have been a fan since your first piece ran on Age of Autism so I looked for you at Autism One and what I saw across the room was a beautiful 41 year old woman!
Keep going, you will recover from your detox and feel much better. I also believe you’ll feel happy again. It took awhile for our family but it did happen and we’re still working for recovery but it isn’t as breathtakingly hard as it used to be.
Brooke
LJ,
Just read this today. I recently found a picture of myself from just a mere 3 days prior to having my first child. I looked so peaceful. Even though I know it was always a stressful time for us, in comparison, I looked peaceful. But more disturbing than that, I remembered what I weighed on the day I delivered and IT WAS TEN POUNDS LESS than what I weigh today.
As I look down at my cushiony roll of fat I vow to reverse the effects of nine years of working long hours, lacking sleep, eating quick meals that are full of carbs, and drinking tons of wine while I read about tragedy, injustice and complicated interplay of biochemistry and toxic insult.
I refuse to show up to my new life wearing a size 14 suit.
Can you possible imagine the amount of damage I could do if I was a lean, mean, fighting machine? 🙂
Awesome post! All of us healing moms instinctively have put our efforts into our children and let ourselves suffer. Let our marriages suffer. Let our friendships suffer. Many of us filled that void with food…I know I did! Yes, LJ, you will get there and so will every other parent who wants their health back. Our bodies are amazing vessels and just as we know our children can recover from the damage, we can too.
I’m grateful. I’m on the other side. My daughter is recovered from severe Epilepsy and heavy metal toxicity. I work hard to maintain a balance in her body everyday and fear often about what is going to happen when she can make her own choices. Then I remember, I am my child’s biggest influence. If I avoid the toxic waste American’s call food then she can too! So journey continues, my daughters and I walk hand and hand in our journey to choose food as our medicine. We choose nutrition for our energy and wellness. We bite our tongues when we see other families destroying their health with the GMO’s, dyes and mercury filled foods. I have to admit that I do giggle to myself when my 8 year old slips and sometimes asks me in public, just a little too loudly, “why is that kids mom letting them eat all that poison in their food” as she watches in amazement a child gobble down a “happy meal” that is sure to cause sadness in the future.
My body will never regain my shape it had in my youth. I have battle scars from becoming a mother and fighting through our recovery journey. I’m proud of those scars. What I do know is that I’m in better health now than when I fit into smaller clothes. I was the teenager who couldn’t take gym class because my asthma was too bad, but I’m the mom who recovered her daughter and has now run two half marathons, with my friends, on girl getaway weekends. Those entire weekends have been triumphs on so many different levels.
Many people will cheer you on from the sidelines as you make these changes, those people are important. However the most important people are the ones who get on the mission with you and run along beside you. Many people look to me now for the help, the answers and the guidance to make it happen or to get to where I’m at. I tell them…come along, jump on the ride for this is definitely a journey, not a destination. I’ve accepted that there is no end in this journey and that’s ok because I’ve found the best friends I could have ever dreamed for to travel with me.
Beautiful. Thank you.
Defeat your vice and find YOUR VOICE! Excellent! I love that!
I went through that same flu-like withdrawal period complete with inexplicable rage and migraines and shakes (its withdrawal what do you expect?) when I came off sugar and wheat. It was actually worse than when I quit alcohol 10 yrs ago!
But the clear and balanced and bright self that emerged on the other side was so worth it. Its amazing to feel the strength energy and power in your lean new body!
And my whole family started eating healthy, lost the dangerous belly flab, started Doing Stuff instead of Watching Stuff, and opened our eyes to issues with our ASD son that we hadnt seen or addressed.
So hang in there baby….and all you moms on the hard road to health and sanity. It WILL happen, it WILL get better, and your kids WILL get their loving moms back and focused and happy. Recovery is coming!
Love y’all!
Shell
Yes, The Void. We all know that dark place. Hope and know you are not alone. Sadly not by a long shot. Your writing is great.
Wonderful post…it’s all true too. I have been beginning a similar thing, realising as a single Mum to two young high needs kids, one with ASD, and all the physical stuff, the health stuff that goes with it, I reached a point in the last few months where I realised I couldnt just keep on going. Patching myself up along the way with bandaid solutions, wine, food, coffee. I hneed to take the time to take care of myself too. It’s so hard though, I hear you, it brings the reality, and the pain, the exhaustion into sharp focus. Slowly but surely it’s going to happen. Much love to you and your family. I look forward to reading about more. xx
Lisa,
I was directed to your article by a friend who shared it on their FB page, I’m so glad I read it…not only will I be praying for you, but I will continue to hold out on vaccinating my 2nd child who just turned a year old last week. The pressure from the Ped. office is so great, the threats are so strong, the fears that my child will die from some unknown disease so horrifying that I often think that perhaps I am making the wrong choice.
This journey is new for me when it comes to researching vaccines, my oldest daughter received them all prior to hearing about the NVIC website and starting my search for education. I will look through your blog for other info, but just in case, would you mind providing any other suggestions as to info on what vaccinations SHOULD be given? At this point I have a clean slate but I don’t want to make the mistake of missing something that she does need…it’s all a little unclear as of yet.
THANK YOU for continuing your fight…I’m a new person you have touched, just remember that many may read and few may post but you are affecting countless people!
Praying for your strength,
A-L
We can’t give any medical advice, but the advice we ALWAYS give is educate yourself. Do NOT let yourself be bullied into something you’re not comfortable with because the only people who have to live with the consequences are you and your family. Doctors and vaccine manufacturers are not liable for any damage they cause. If there is ANYTHING you are considering injecting into your child, investigate the virulence and prevalence of that particular disease and ask yourself if it really makes sense to vaccinate for it, or to vaccinate while your baby’s immune system is still maturing. Also investigate the actual effectiveness of the vaccine. You have to do your own risk/benefit analysis and if you’re really doing your homework it will look nothing like your pediatrician’s.
We felt the pressure from the pediatrician’s office, too. Then, it dawned on me one day, why should I go through this agony and stress? I decided right then and there to never return to a pediatrician’s office. We go to a general practitioner and the hospital emergency room at the local pediatric hospital, if ever necessary. Never have had to deal with that pressure ever again. Our GP only mentions vaccines by passing out a pamplet. We decide if we want them. And, of course, we just say no. Wish we had done it that way from the start!!
Another timely & amazing post LJ…taking it one day at a time is about the best we can do, and the positive changes will add up.
Very powerful message, Rev. I, too, believe we were somehow chosen. We will get there together.
MUAH!
Regain your strength, your work is not done.
Your voice is needed.
Sweat & flush the Toxins out.
Large doses of Vit C ( 500mg every hour) can detox, including Heavy Metals.
Also try hi doses of combo of various antioxidants.
Investigate Immunocal or cheaper imitations.
Wishing you the best.
LJ,
Freaking awesome, raw honest truth as usual. You know during the first year and half after my son’s dx with “autism” I spent about 99% of my time feeling really sad or angry when I wasn’t too busy to even know how I felt. I went to confession and a priest told me a story I think I’ll never forget about two women he knew. Happy women, always doing charitable things for the church, etc. Both of their sons were eventually killed in Vietnam. He knew both of them after the fact. One of them continued the work she had started, still volunteered at church and still radiated love. The other woman grew very bitter. She was angry at everyone. She stopped going to church. He didn’t even recognize her anymore she was so changed. The priest told me I was at a crossroads and had to choose the path I was going to take. Was I going to become the bitter woman angry at the world, or choose to trust and love? You, my friend, have chosen the correct path. It doesn’t mean we don’t get angry, stop fighting or stop telling the truth. It doesn’t mean we don’t get sad. You haven’t given up. You choose to fight. You choose to tell the truth. So many choose to ignore their children’s medical symptoms because it’s easier to be in denial. Keep speaking the truth and you will help many, many children and families in a situation that sucks beyond sucking.
never stop telling the truth. if it weren’t for you and mothers like you i would NEVER have learned the truth about vaccines. while my family has been untouched by autism autoimmune disorders run rampant and because of you and posts like this i am hoping i can save my third child from suffering like so many in my family before her!
Good luck, Jen! One of my personal missions is to get the word spread far and near about autoimmune conditions.
Beautiful, amazing post. I’m now a reader.
I am very proud of you for trying to fight you demons and leave all of the things that are ruining your body behind. PROUD of you for writting about your sons illness. At this moment I still cannot write or say anything to anybody about my son. He was dignosed early this year and eversince I fell like a zombi. Just going trugh life without a direccion. I have 3 kids ages 18 months, 2-1/2 and a 4 year old. And they all have an illness. I am 29. but i fell like 40. I let go of myself completely and I developed Asthma and Chrohn’s desease at this age. After I read your last blog, I started to lose some weight. I stoped eatting unesserary things, and so far I have lost 5 lbs. I would not bore you anymore with my issues, I just wanted to tell you to keep going. Your son needs you, you are a very strong woman and I don’t have doubt that your ended you vicious circle. (SAY NO TO BREAD). Be strong I will keep following you progress in you blogs.
Take care.
Elena
Recognizing myself.. except replace bread with Coke, coffee, and sugar
Have been doing yoga, meditation, counseling, etc – but the diet piece? OMG. Hard.
I just watched the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. It is about juicing to get your health back. I can testify to this method because juicing works for me. In addition to juicing with a Champion juicer, which removes the fiber, I have a Blendtec juicer which does not remove the fiber from the fruits and veggies.
If you want to jump start good health, juice in the morning and before bed. JMHO
Lisa, people like you ARE changing the world, just by being honest and telling your story. Thanks to moms like you, I stopped vaccinating my son after his two-month shots, when my mommy instincts led me to really question what was in vaccines. Boy, did I ever learn a lot, and once a mom like me has knowledge and knows the truth about what is being done to our children, it’s impossible to pressure her into conforming to society’s medical norms. Thank you! Your candidness is saving children like my beautiful, sweet son from a lifetime (or some years) of struggle and illness. I wish you health and happiness and light, once again.
If there was a Thinking Fathers’ Revolution that challenged men to take a good look at ourselves and make some serious lifestyle changes, do you think there would be any guys starting their update with losing weight?!
Ummm, yeah. Why?
LJ! Testify sister!
I have so been there done that and am still there and doing it.
My three kids are 18, 15 1/2, 13 and it does not get any easier with age–I am now 53, my husband is 52. Everything we hold sacred has been compromised.It SUCKS!
So you do the best you can and pray that tomorrow really is a better day.
FAIR? We feel like freaks on some dime store shelf waiting for rescue.
I so relate to Toy Story and LOST.
We are not in Kansas anymore.
Why do we not have the same miracles?
We have done all that and than some, and much more than many others who have experienced recovery or at best extreme improvement, and I am truly happy for them, and their triumph offers real hope to all of God’s Creation that suffer and struggle.
It is what keeps me trying so hard, to keeping pushing on.
Yet, like at the recent Autism One Conference–like everywhere I go where I hope to find friends and fellow warriors to have fellowship with, I usually end up sticking to myself except for a few moments here and there with actual “friends”.
Over the years I have had to learn how to be exceptionally resilient and grow a thicker skin. I am sick too and do what I can, I have a therapist,
I keep reinventing myself in hopes that I will finally create the right new me that can weather this storm and still find some happiness for myself and our family, to try and still live life to the fullest though I feel worn, torn, tattered, bruised, bloody, and beat up and battered on every level.
No, i am not the person, wife, mom etc i hoped i would be, and my marriage and family and home is not how I had dreamed it would be, and my career is now a PhD. in everything sucky. I volunteer because I cannot find a job that would work with all the obligations I never knew existed .
When people from the “autism” / special needs/medically fragile/and whatever name fits say I am not doing “it” right, I am not committed enough to recover our family, I have not contributed anything of value to the cause, it feels like I am being sucker punched by mean girls in the locker room or when trying on bathing suits wondering why I even bother and leave without buying one.
It stings more than the crappy way our family gets treated by “family” and the “others” because I keep thinking they understand at least what it is like to be me/us.
I reach out for support from my sisters and brothers in our community and end up feeling slapped around, disrespected, bullied and judged.
Some get it though and it makes me sad they do because that means that everything SUCKS! for them too.
NO!, my misery does not love company, contrary to what some think who have no clue how hard this really is, to be ME / US / OUR FAMILY.
I could never be that selfish to be happy that someone else has is as sucky or worse or even less sucky–sucky just plain SUCKS!
I must do this or that and when I say already done, then I am accused of not trying hard enough ,SHUT UP already!I heard you the first thousand times.
Where is the compassion?
And if you have found recovery, I hope yous have found some humility too and get on you havds and knees and THANK GOD for your good luck, because that is exactly what it is–you did not necessary EARN recovery, you and your family are not more entitled to it or more deserving of it. NOBODY deserves to suffer and sruggle and live a sucky life.
See your recovery for what it is: a miracle, a gift from God that you should have pure gratitude for with all your might and pray that others are given this same MIRACLE, GIFT.
I have NEVER said that I quit or give up, but that is what I am often accused of by the “others”and that really hurts.i have to endure most “others” telling me to just accept it, let it go already, there is NOTHING you can do, but i ignore it because these are the same people who offer no real support.many of them live the life i thought would be mine/ours–and lucky them, BUT many have chosen to IGNORE some very serious health and quality of life issues for themselves, their kids, their families–how sad!
OMG! the ” new normal” has taken as “normal”.
I have helped a LOT of other people who have done well on my advice who have not done even 1/8 of what we have and do, and instead of being appreciative, they often chime in on what I MUST do if I truly want to recover my family. SUCKS!
I have ‘LOST” supposed friends in the “community” because I did not/ do not anymore, as they did/do, or disagree with them–it hurts when I realize we were never ever truly friends to begin with, just LOST souls looking for mercy, praying for recovery.
I advocated in the 1980’s when a twentysomething to get the ADA passed because it was the right thing to do.
I have been an advocate extraordinaire that has forced a LOT of change in our community, that has benefited others more than our family, and accept that any progress is a good thing.
So many have gone before me, and now I go before others, that have smoothed the way for others in a way that often offers better outcomes to other families and I have accepted that anyone who suffers and struggles less is a good thing, and maybe that will be our happily ever after ending someday too.
VOID
Where would I even begin?
LJ, I met you at AO at TMR table. I live in Oak Park.Feel free to call or email me:
biegajs2yahoo.com , 708-524-0701
Peace out!
BB
I recognize where you are at right now. I’ve been to those depths. And you are at a very promising place right now. You are right that you were chosen…but knowing WHY is critical here. Our children came in to heal the world through their chronic illness. Unless we address our own issues as we recognize it through their illness, their job is not complete and they will not give us the satisfaction of recovery.
Healer heal thyself!!! Then the criteria is met for their own healing to take place. This is their job as a teacher and healer in this world.
Dear Lisa and “kbelmquist”: Thank you so very much for sharing the hurts of your heart, that I well relate to, every word, especially about society and how they view us, receive our words of proactive help and truth on behalf of our vaccine injured children. And especially the hope, what to hang on to, when we feel so exhausted. I’ve been praying for 12 years for my children and will continue to do so, but I really needed to hear what you both wrote, this day. I am deeply grateful to you both.