In the introduction to his epic book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle describes having been so wrought with pain and contemplating suicide that he literally lost consciousness, only to awaken — both physically and spiritually, to a new “awakened” self, seeing the beauty and magic in life that he’d been blinded to his entire life.
As I heard him tell this story, I was immediately brought back to a flash I’ve repeated in my head over and over again – to one particular morning, about 3 years ago, which resembled almost all the mornings of that period of time, still laying in bed, covers drawn over my head. I could hear the first faint sounds of my son stirring in his room. It began with a soft murmurred version of his preverbal sounds, only to intensify in increment continuously over the following minute or two. It was then followed by the squeaky sound of the faucets turning on and off in the bathroom, and the panic-stricken anxiety-filled awareness that if I didn’t get up immediately, there would be poop, pee and water all over the floor in the next sixty seconds.
I remember laying in bed with dread for the day that awaited. I remember feeling as if I were drowning – already exhausted that he woke up, and the day was only just beginning. And then, still laying in bed, I recalled the introductory story to Dr. Wakefield’s book, Callous Disregard, where he describes the pain and suffering experienced by a mother of an autistic child, and her double suicide with her son. I remember laying in bed that morning, frightened that these were my true thoughts. I remember feeling like it seemed like a pretty rational plan and I totally understood how she could do it – actually being jealous that she could rest in peace once and for all. I remember feeling total despair — and like a victim of the most horrific tragedy — that no one was hearing or seeing. At least if people knew, I thought, it wouldn’t feel so bad. But the worst part — the nightmare that is my life is only mine to deal with. NO ONE HAS A F*****G CLUE. I remember feeling that it felt wrong. I remember knowing somewhere, deep inside of myself, that I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I wondered what I did so wrong in my life to create this reality. Did God hate me? Was I being punished? Why did everything feel so unfair?
That morning, laying in bed, was the beginning of my awakening. That moment was what Tolle refers to as “the return movement,” the moment or experience in life, that backs you up against a wall so bad, that you (or your egoic you) literally dies, without dying.
“The return movement in a person’s life, the weakening or dissolution of form, whether through old age, illness, disability, loss, or some kind of personal tragedy, carries great potential for spiritual awakening — the dis-identification of consciousness from form…it is precisely through the onset of old age, through loss or personal tragedy, that the spiritual dimension would traditionally come into people’s lives. This is to say, their inner purpose would emerge only as their outer purpose collapsed and the shell of the ego would begin to crack open.” – Awakening and the Return Movement, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle.
Now, as I look back, a totally new person, I am so grateful to have had this opportunity. To feel so completely crushed that my only options felt like life or death. Swimming or sinking. Awake or asleep. And i remember, deciding that I would do whatever it took, to feel good.
That was the promise I made to myself and continue to keep to this day. And what a blessing it has been.
Were it not for my son’s autism, I would still be sleeping. And of course, by now you know what I mean when I say that.
I have come to believe and understand that we are all here for this one sole soul purpose. To wake up. To wake up to a new world, where everyone realizes their power to feel good and that they have all the tools they need to create a life of joy and meaning. Full of love. Bliss. And freedom.
And I believe, that we, the parents of these precious autistic angels, were brought here to herald this movement. Yes, we were brought here by our children, as messengers to the rest of the world, that it is time to wake up.
On the physical plane, our babies, suffering from an onslaught of physical and toxic overload, have chosen us, so we can be their voice and the voice of the planet; that it is time to take better care of ourselves and our environment. Our food supply. Our medical establishment. Our natural resources and energy systems. Our animals and all sentient life. What better stimulus to get us to champion this message than the actual attack of our very own offspring?! The continuation of our blood line and our own species. If not now, and for our children, we would surely be on the path to destroy ourselves.
And of course, on the emotional and spiritual planes, the work is even deeper. I still remember sitting at The Son-Rise Program® Start-Up, and hearing co-founder, Barry Neil Kaufman say — “the universe brought us these kids, to teach us how to love.” I have come to realize just how very true this statement is in my own life with my son. Children with autism are the perfect conduit to bring the rest of us to our higher, awakened state of consciousness. They are pure vibration — often not even verbal. They are not of this world – they are far, far beyond this world. Our children are messengers – to teach us how to choose love and gratitude – almost always, in the face of the most incredible pain and suffering, without even the ability to express themselves. They are here to turn our hardened, embittered, conditioned and afraid hearts into molten lava flowing love. They are here to teach us to choose life.
And it is us and our children together, who are here to be the pioneers — the pioneers who are here to trumpet our love and share it with the rest of the world. As we each individually awaken to joy and happiness, through the lens that only we, as autism parents, could ever even fathom or conceive, we are able to access our souls’ true purpose here in this lifetime. To awaken to our higher divinity and detach from all pain and ego identifications. And as we all partake and share in this as a collective, we create a new collective consciousness and literally change the world. As Tolle writes in his book, “a new species is arising on the planet. It is arising now, and you are it!” And i would like to take that one step further — I believe it is us, right now, the parents of children with autism, who are it.
It has been through my own ongoing life-changing transformation with my son over the past three years that I have tapped into my own purpose and deepest passion – to share these tools with as many people as possible,especially, with autism parents. It is because of these revelations that I decided to completely switch careers and focus my attention on creating my own health coaching practice, where I feel honored and privileged to continue my own journey, alongside others, as we mirror and break through our pain and old ego-identifications together.As I have worked to heal my insides, I have also focused on healing my body — by losing over fifty pounds after the birth of my second son, switching to an all vegan diet, becoming a certified personal trainer, health coach and now in two months, entering my first bodybuilding bikini competition. None of these physical accomplishments actually mean anything to me, other than the reflection of the internal healing that is happening. And of course, the most magical part of all, my son and I are healing together.
To join me, please feel free to check out my always growing and expanding website, and share with anyone in your life who you think might want to join me as I continue on my journey and do my part to heal myself and, ultimately, the collective consciousness of our most magical and beautiful world.
It is with the deepest humility and gratitude that I can share this love of mine with all of you.
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