MamacitaWhen I first started this journey, I felt like an outcast. None of my friends’ kids had problems like mine was having. Their kids were healthy. My son was not. None of the other moms were dealing with what I had to. I was at a loss. My days were spent trying to figure out seizures, rock-solid poops and yeasty nighttime laughing while theirs included scheduling play dates, visiting the park and planning typical birthday parties. No one could give me any advice on what was happening to my child, let alone what to do about it. As each day went by, I realized it was up to me to figure out what was going on. The more I learned, the more distance I felt between me and other moms. They were the “normal” people. I was not.


As I shared what was happening to Ronan, some people were nice and polite. They’d smile and nod as I tried to explain what was happening to him and how different—and increasingly difficult—he was. “He’ll be fine. You’re doing a great job. Did you ask your doctor about this? He’ll tell you what’s going on.”

Yeah, no one could relate. They said they understood, but in my head I was screaming, mamablog2“You have NO freaking clue!” I felt like some people weren’t really listening, while others only pitied me. It was a very difficult time as I had very limited resources, respite and relief. I was desperate to find someone who “got” me, who understood my fears, who could guide me while helping me learn what it was my son was going through. Thank goodness I learned to navigate the Internet!

I instantly found other moms who screamed in their heads too. We shared highs and the lows. In fact, we shared everything—from gluten-free recipes and therapy tips to spilling our guts while revealing our deepest, darkest secrets. From each other’s stories and experiences, we learned why, how and what to do next about it. It was liberating.

Time zones didn’t matter. We talked on message boards at all hours of the day. We talked about family, special schools, unwelcoming communities. We taught each other about science, nutrition and neurology. We dove deeper into discussions I never dreamed I’d ever have. Conversations about poop that floats, poop that doesn’t float and what to do when poop won’t come out were common. No topic was off topic ever.

mamablog3To an outsider, we probably sounded like a bunch of freaks.

Well, who needs “normal” anyway?

Normal was so long ago for me now. It was when I wasn’t looking close enough. It was when I accepted everything as the truth. It was when I wasn’t thinking long-term. Wait. Thinking long-term? Heck, I wasn’t even thinking! My, how times have changed.

Every now and then I wonder what would have happened if I’d stayed with the normal crowd. I’ve seen what normal looks like now. It’s different than what it looked like to me before. It’s different than what it used to mean to me too. Normal is still, well . . . normal. And it ain’t always pretty.

Normal today is watching a classroom full of kids who can’t sit still because of sensory issues. It’s popping mind-numbing drugs to get through elementary school. It includes a school nurse’s office full of cartoon character Epi-Pens. Normal ignores dark circles under the eyes. It doesn’t see that we have a nation full of very sick children. It accepts that kids are getting sicker and sicker while refusing to find out why. Normal continues to look the other way while injecting toxic substances into bodies under the guise of ‘safe and effective’. Normal doesn’t mind that asthma, allergies and attention issues are now simply a part of childhood. It also insists that autism has always been here. Freaks like me can prove, no, it has not.


Freaks want to stab themselves in the eye with a plastic fork when they hear that another child has been added to what is becoming the majority—a majority that includes being sick from chronic ailments no other generation has suffered as greatly. And if that isn’t enough, suffering now comes in many forms. From juvenile diabetes to being disabled from vaccines, or worse, dying from severe food allergies, normal doesn’t get that that’s not normal. They don’t want to.

Freaks figured all of that out though. They figured it out the hard way and after terrible things happened to their children that really didn’t have to happen. Freaks figured it out for everyone else and want to share what they know. Some people don’t want to hear it, but the truth and repercussions will all come out. Freaks speak up now. They aren’t afraid to tell their story because freaks want none of what happened to their kid to happen to anyone else.

I’m not always 100% comfortable in everything I have had to learn and do now, but I know I can never go back to where or who I was before Ronan got sick. I can’t cross over to “normal” again. I know too much. I’m a freak now. Freak I will forever now be. It does me good, and it does Ronan a lot better too.

Freak on.


~ Mamacita

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15 Responses to Freak

  1. Raphaelle says:

    Thank you 🙂

  2. Dawn Turner says:

    I can SO identify with this. Not as a parent. As a dog-owner. That exact same, ever-shifting “normal” exists in our pets and their owners, and so many remain willfully ignorant.

    Adverse reactions to vaccines (even life-threatening ones)? Oh, that’s a “normal” reaction. We’ll just treat it with __insert drug name here__ and he’ll be fine.

    Allergies? Oh, that’s “normal” and common. You just need ____insert drug name here____ and he’ll be fine. Despite the fact dogs and cats haven’t always had potentially life-threatening allergies and had to live their lives on drugs.

    Arthritis and “old age” at 7? Oh, that’s now normal, too.

    Cancer? Normal.

    Auto-immune disease? Normal.

    And “We don’t really know why these things happen. They just do.” And “It’s all the fault of breeders” (whatever their definition of that word may be).

    Those of us pet owners who have joined the “freak” ranks understand WHY those things happen, and we try to educate others. Uphill battle all the way. My heart aches for all the pets who continue to be harmed by the willful ignorance of the “normals”. But even more, my heart aches for the children. As much as the health of our pets impacts our lives, they are with us only a short time, relatively speaking. Children are the future of our society and our world. What are we doing to them?

  3. carol anna says:

    I love this inspiring article because even though I do not have an autistic child, I totally understand were you are coming from. I have spent my life following my own drummer which is never ever easy! However as time has progressed and I see the huge mess created by those who believed in “the system,” I am forever grateful that I had the courage to follow my own path.

  4. nhokkanen says:

    Wise observations, Mamacita. The freaks of autism have had great success in collaborating and adapting to their families’ changed circumstances. The late musician Frank Zappa (whose first album was “Freak Out!”) once said, “Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.” Though the health deviations of vaccine-induced autism may not have been what he was talking about, progress is possible. That is, if healthcare policymakers break out of their narrow ideological boxes and see what damage over-vaccinating has wrought on this generation.

  5. Cynthia says:

    I’m also a freak and can NEVER go back to “normal” again either! Let the freaks unite! 🙂

  6. T Quinn says:

    So down with this article. I sometimes mourn the illusion of normal…but mainly I
    optimistically await a time when I, the freak, am the NEW normal. Not that I want the label or other people to experience this but it would be nice to have some answers and a little less scolding /patronizing looks from the oblivious masses. Thanks for keeping us sane. Love your courage.

  7. Amy says:

    Nice article.
    We freaks took the red pill (matrix reference). You can’t undo that shit. As overwhelming as it is at times, I wouldn’t go back to ignorance even if I could.

  8. Donna Powers says:

    Your writing today gives new meaning to the phrase ” She totally freaked out!” We need more freak outs and freaks in this world…freaks who know that something is very very wrong in this world and know that our children are paying the price with chronic illness and inflammation in a world of toxic exposure.

    in love and support,

  9. Oh, yeah, Mamacita! We gotta let our freak flags high! I can completely relate.

  10. Flabergasted says:

    sorry, typo

    that should have been


  11. Flabergasted says:

    so I read about your family/struggles, and once more I wonder what planet Dr Sanja Gupta is on….when only two days ago, on Anderson Cooper, the Dr “explained”, how children NOW get far fewer vaccines than when we were kids…HUG

    • Dawn Turner says:

      Anybody who claims that kids get FEWER vaccines today than we did as kids is a total idiot. I’m sorry, there’s other word for it. They are either an idiot who is intentionally lying to parents to try to snowjob them. Or they are a total idiot who hasn’t been paying attention to the vacc recommendations coming down from the govt level. Either way, a very dangerous idiot. I REALLY hope parents aren’t listening to people like that. Kids today get more vaccines in their first 12 months than I’ve had in my entire life, and I have vaccine damage. Makes me shudder for them.

      • Flabergasted says:

        agree entirely,
        I never had the impression the “good” Doctor is an idiot,


        that leaves the other (to my mind) option

        WHO is paying him? HOW is he benefiting?

        I don’t, but from comments I hear, Anderson is a much watched show, the Dr is much listened to. Therefore it seems to me he is doing this for great benefit to himself, either current or future? Maybe he is planning to run for president and is kissing up for support? Maybe Pharma is paying him? Maybe he (Dr Gupta) is tapped to be the next head of the Gates Foundation?

        I “can hardly wait” to see what happens in the “Dr’s” career.

        If my “guess” is correct, to my mind, what Dr Gupta has done is even worse than if he was just an idiot. This is someone who is “listened” to, for him to make such obviously false statements, which are potentially harmful, is evil.

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