From the CDC Blog: Parenting Advice 2016

February 9, 2016

We’re off to a great start in 2016. We were in lots of planning meetings in January, following which we thought we’d recap on CDC’s parenting policies new and old going into the new year:

• Women – don’t drink if you’re not pregnant, in case you accidentally become pregnant. It’s safer that way because we have so much more coming down the pike when you actually are pregnant. See our website for our great new infographic on that. If someone offers you a drink, we suggest you say “No thanks, I’m fertile.”

• Women – go on birth control if you want a drink. We might make that a law actually. Well, we can’t really make laws, but we do hand out schedules for vaccines and infographics for drugs, and legislators just pass the laws — no questions asked. It’s a great system.

Birth control/booze pairings courtesy of Katie Stephens

• Men – you can drink if you exist and also before impregnating a woman. We don’t care that your sperm quality can be affected by alcohol.

• Women – it’s totally fine to take medication during pregnancy. Well, we’re actually not sure if it will harm your baby, but so many women are on medication nowadays the pharmaceutical companies won’t let us discourage it.
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• Women – whatever you do, spray yourself from head to toe in toxic bug spray if you’re even thinking about getting pregnant. DDT is best. Because, you know . . . Zika causes microcephaly now. It never did before, but women in Brazil are not great at following orders about staying indoors when pesticides are sprayed in their villages. Except for vaccine orders . . . they complied with those mandated pregnancy shots just in time. If they didn’t, that Zika thing would have been so much worse. 😉 We are not implying anything here, even though Brazil’s track record on vaccine trials is less than stellar.

• Please ignore any reports that the U.S. has around 25,000 cases of microcephaly each year because that just obliterates our Zika narrative — and we just updated our microcephaly page January 29 to add that in. 🙂 We don’t want to have to change it again. Though we may just end up moving the goal posts on that one — change the measurements on the definition. That has worked really well before for things like polio.

• Women – make sure you get injected with mercury and aluminum vaccines during pregnancy, even though we have never tested them for safety. Yes, the toxins will cross the placenta into the developing brains of your baby, but it’s totally safe. The spontaneous abortions noted in one study were totally normal. Just do it.

• Parents – give your babies the aluminum-containing Hep B shot when your baby is a few hours old, even though he/she has no chance of catching this sexually transmitted disease when you are not a carrier. Don’t ask why. Questioning your doctor would be rude.

• Continue to inject your babies with 31 toxic vaccines in their first year of life, even though we don’t know if they develop the proper antibodies in that time due to an immature immune system. Again, no safety study questions, please, because there aren’t any.

• After the first year of your baby’s life, we will continue to instruct you on each and every vaccine to give your child until he/she is 18. If you feel the urge to question this, just repeat the mantra we gave you – “vaccines are safe and effective” – until the urge passes.

• There’s no point in questions about side effects as you cannot sue anyone for injury or death. Well, except the government. (Please see the National Vaccine Injury Compenation Program for details on that whole thing. It takes so long and they dismiss so many cases, we don’t think you’ll bother with it.)

• If your child reaches preschool and can’t sit in his chair like the other kids, we refer you to our infographic on ADHD medication on our website. We acknowledge that we do not have any information on long-term effects of medication on young brains, but everyone is doing it, so . . .

• If your child gets an autism diagnosis around this time, please don’t worry. It’s so normal now. Well, we really mean common, but “normal” sounds better, doesn’t it? We don’t know what’s causing it, but we know it’s not vaccines . . . except in the cases where we compensated families for it in Vaccine Court. Yes, those cases were caused by vaccines, but that’s not a real court.

• We’ve added a few new vaccines to the schedule for 2016; thankfully, the FDA fast-tracked them for us. And a big shout out to CDC’s former director Julie Gerberding, later head of vaccines at Merck, for Gardasil 9. We’ll make some nice royalties on that one.

We are still working on many more projects with cute infographics, and we will be in touch later in the year. We’re thinking Ebola again, but maybe we’ll get the Zika vaccine completed in time for those long lazy summer days when we are all fighting off the new GMO mosquitoes – because we think they will be able to reproduce just fine. Ha!

We decided to spare you the measles fiasco this year. Of course, no one’s getting it, but we all know that’s beside the point. We figured we couldn’t possibly ask the media to comply as willingly as last year with the same incessant astroturf coverage  although they are doing a great job with Zika for us.

So that’s it for now from the CDC! Until the next edition . . .

~ Your friends at the CDC 🙂

Birth control/booze pairings graphic courtesy of Katie Stephens